Got an artist...looking for a printer

Nommo. Word Sound Power. Visualization. Quantum mechanics. Prayer. All linked. I am on a magical path. I'm back in school and it's greater than I ever imagined. There are folks at the University who are really helping me and I keep running into people who push me along, give me good information, link me up with other good folks. It is all working out, somehow or another. I prayed on it, I visualized it, I claimed it. It is real and happening right now.

My book is coming along well, I'm getting some people to do the art and now I'm trying to find the best printer. The brother who is going to do the cover, Marlon, is a great artist...check him out at www.marloningram.com

I have a cousin who is an amazing painter and he is going to do some work for the book too. In the meantime, I have to keep editing and writing. I have almost all of the pieces written, but I keep finding new ones to put in or wanting to change something. As soon as I reach that magic number, 144, I'm done, it's a wrap.

WORK-or "I am all that I am, not all that I seem!"

It's hard to call it work. I love what I do for money. I teach a life skills class to kids from my community at an adult school. My students come to our program after school and stay in our classrooms until 6pm. It's great. We get the kids that are failing, are kind of wierd misfits, or just fell behind. Whatever. They are brilliant and I love working with them. All this week these two young women have been coming in and doing a class on sexual assault-getting the kids to define it, talking about the effects of sexual assault, the social aspects of it. It's great and they negotiate a very difficult topic exceedingly well. I wouldn't want to do it. Now my kids for the most part are some ghetto ass young people. I expect greatness from them, no I demand that they be great when they are around me, but hey, they're still teens and wadareyagonnadew? Teens are prone to act up if they think they can or if they feel uncomfortable. It's "Oh this is making me uncomfortable, so I am going to act up in here, normalize this situation so I do know how to handle it.." Well, this week I have seen my kids really engage in intelligent, thoughtful conversation and anaysis. I wish that their regular teachers could see the way that they attacked that really difficult topic this week. Boys and Girls, I was really impressed. It's not just that, I mean I know that a lot of them have crazy situations at home, but they persevere. We offer them a lot of support, but the light and the love that we get from them, that's priceless.

They've labeled our babies-generation X,Y, Z AKA Smiling Happy Fools, but I know that they are nothing less than Shining Diamonds and Precious Jewels.

It kills me that my kids are not getting the best education. Every day, when they come to class, as part of the check in, i get them to tell me something that they learned in school. If they have nothing to say, I tell them drop out now and go get a GED. You are wasting your time if you're just showing up and sitting in class. I try to teach them that they have to be active in their own educations. Teachers have to sometimes be reminded that we are there for our students, not ourselves. Getting them to talk about what they learned in school is also a good self reflective excercise. I can remember going home from school some days and feeling like I didn't learn anything. Not because the teachers were not attempting to teach, I was just not a cooperative learner.
Many of my kids come from immigrant families-Tongan and Mexican. It's very good for me to work with Poly and Mex people because I am learning a lot from the kids about their cultures. Everyone is not the same. Hip Hop has done a great job of uniting the youth, but it has not made everyone the same. Even if they do all call each other Nigga...
Whatever I am tired. Goodnight Moon.
For my students. I posted this poem last year, but ima post it again, because I like it so much.

Freedom Fighter

I identify most closely with those labeled “causes lost”
The little brothers and sisters they call upon when they need some battles fought
When someone's got to get gassed or shot

And whether you believe it or not
They are training, mining and finding our children in these inner city schools
They’ve labeled them generation “XYZ” aka Shining Happy Fools
But I know that they are nothing less than Shining Diamonds and Precious Jewels

The masters tools?
We are going to take them and remake them.
Lawmakers creating all these new laws to control our lives
While we steady innovatin on how to break them..
And when I see my people I’m yelling “As Salaam Alaikum”

Whether you’re Muslim or not
Because for you, my brother? Peace. Love. Happiness.

Your back is all I got.
In case you forgot, you wanted to know what I thought, what I was thinking

Is that you’re beautiful. You are beautiful.

The most amazing thing I have ever seen is the smile of an African child with uninterrupted dreams.
One who can say “I am all that I am! Not all that I seem!”
And I am going to continue along these themes

They say that “Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitudes”
but who among the masses wants to remain a slave?

Raise your hand if you want to be listened to and raise a fist if you’re willing to be brave.
As for myself, I will only march and parade behind the flag that Freedom and Justice wave.

They want to control your soul, so they say its only Jesus, but I know its only Gods' loving Grace that saves.
But sometimes I have questions, so I bend my knees and raise my head and hands to the sky.

I get down, I beg, I plead and I ask God “Why?”

But I already know the answer, I always have.
The truth lies right before me,

And so I pledge to walk this walk
To Fight this fight

To live this life

Of a Freedom Fighter

Until the day I die.

Reading this for the umpteenth time. I should write another poem to go along with this one. okay now I really am going to sleep.

Damn! I like to write.

I just posted something on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section. It's not the best thing I've ever written, really off the top of my head, but that's what a Rant is right? In any case, I've been reading CL for a few years and the white people who post on there, some of them are just 0ff The Hook racists. This shit is crazy! They just joke and call us all kinds of names. Well I was having a particularly hard morning, so I just got tired of no one standing up for Black folks and I fired this off....
http://www.craigslist.org/pen/rnr/101870595.html
Peace to the Peaceful
-M

middle class black kid becomes platinum rapper

Kanye West is not so unusual. He is not the first middle class kid to become a famous rapper. Some of the most popular hip hop artists come from very solid middle and working class families. Think Ice Cube, whose family forced him to go to college before he could go and hang out with NWA, think Will Smith, whose father was a judge in Philly, think LL Cool J-who used to brag that he got "2 bikes" every Christmas. Nowadays in Hip Hop, everyone claims a previous life of poverty, but that ain't always the truth.
I like Kanye because he is not apologizing for who he is. In that way he is a lot like 'Pac. Pac was another man who was very honest about his struggles with what he knew what he should do, and what his desires and passions told him to do.
Kanye is so incredible because he is telling the truth of his life, what he feels. He said "George Bush doesn't care about Black people" but he isn't the only person thinking that. We have all been thinking that since the very beginning. I am not fooled by Condi or Colin or Alberto or anyone else in his cabinet. I have only heard them talk about economic justice for people of color and poor people since the Hurricane blew the covers off the bed.
But anyway back to Kanye
Kanyes' beats are so nasty. He has a great musical ear. I hear Stevie Wonder and Donnie Hathaway influences a lot in his music. He makes me go back to the old music and listen to it a lot. His beats slap and they have a groove unlike anything else being made right now. He honestly is not the best rapper, but he's okay and better than a lot of other so called MCs out there. His sincerity and honesty, plus the fact that many of us can identify with the way he feels. He talks really honestly about his feelings about women and the way the world is. What young man isn't thinking about the world and his future in it? Of course we want the Shiny Things, but at what cost? Of course we want to be faithful to our women, but damn these other women look good. Kanye is showing that it is okay to be a complex human being.
The Funny thing
is that Kanye was well on the way to taking his place among the black bourgeousie of America. He was in college, his mom is a professor, all he had to do was graduate and find a job. He could have done his music thing on the side, but he chose to leave school and become a producer/rapper. His personal aspiration was the same as the countless thousands of kids for who college is/was a far off hope. He shares a lot with the common, everyday black guy. He likes women, cars and being looked at and listened to.
Anyway, I'm listening to a Democracy Now! broadcast with Suheir Hammad. Damn. Some people are writers but they are not good performers (me), others can perform but can't seem to write for shit. Suheir is in a third category. She's not a performer, but she is an excellent reciter and poet/writer. She caresses each word, a pleasure to listen to.
done for now
Peace world.

Fire Burn, Water Run

A retrospective on the events of the past few weeks.

Fire Burn, Fire Burn
Fire Burn
The Burning Bush
The Bush is on Fire
The whole House is on Fire
And the people in New Orleans need water
But the government let the motherfucker burn anyway
The wizards' curtain is falling down.
Finally, all the rest of the clowns are falling out of the trickmobile.

Surely, someone will talk.
Someone has to leak the story.
Someone has to leak the government. Someone leaked Enron, someone leaked Chevron, Someone leaked Vietnam (and died a lot).

The government has a way of making outspoken people gone, quiet, or at best irrelevant and compromised.
America only promises one thing-you can die here. America has a lot of shit that will kill your ass, will attempt to hijack and kidnap you.
Americas greatest crime and best talent is that if you buy the lie (American Dream)
America will separate you from yourself. You will be far from your origin-If you buy the lie. If you do not, then you will not be happy here in America.

The American Dream is just that-a fantasy held to be true because of widespread mass delusion that this is a fair and just society. So far, very few people have lived the American Dream, but I know a lot who share the American Nightmare experience.

I am poor and suffering in America. My children are ill, my elders are dying, and my people, people who look and and live just like I do, are in dying on international television. My children are killing one another in the streets. Everywhere I look, there is pain and no one cares. Are we not also Americans? Do we not deserve the love and compassion of our fellow Americans? These compassionate conservatives have talked the talk, now it is time to walk the walk. Poor people got completely washed out and no one seems to care. This shit is evil. Once again, America shows her ass to her most vulnerable and least listened to, least cared about citizens.

“Black America suffers today on NPR” we’re taking your calls.
“Katrina kicks poor niggas in the ass today on KPFA”
“Niggas die as America looks on; get it first here on CNN”
That’s the news
That’s entertainment. What we like to see, this is not reality TV, this is real life.

White America likes to see a nigga suffer. The CNN commentator says-“They did not evacuate, It is their own fault…” What?!

They are calling them "refugees"

“I didn’t know? We could not have known? Noone knew? All llies. They knew. I knew, they all knew. ABC GE NBC KBHQ ABCDEF-Stuck on F for “we fucked up, fuck you. Fuck yeah” Devil ass Devil ….

Of course the niggas is still acting up. How come you remove everything I have, everything, remove all I have because I am in the way of the wave of the destruction-I am worthless? I-we-these people are the sons and daughters of the slaves
They are my costars in this, the Amerikan nightmare. For us, this sweet life is incredibly sour.
So yes, fire burn, flood run wild
New Orleans is Flooded and Burning
Baghdad was burning and looted
LA was looted and burned
Detroit looted and burned
Watts burned and looted
New York bombed and burned some
It all fell down
London burned

Were they really so surprised? If you strip away everything, every thing is washed away, and there is no hope, what am I supposed to do? 500 cops in New Orleans left the job. 2 killed themselves. Can you see that even when the lawmakers lose hope, what is the ordinary citizen to think?

Homeland Security takes over FEMA. Wanna know why? Because in times of crisis, poor motherfuckers do not act like they are supposed to. There will be unrest from the natives. They become an internal threat.
What they need is a department of “Nigga Act Right” Chief Head Nigga in Charge of the NAR-Colin Powell.

I know looking at all this water I am not the only one thinking of Noah. I would bet that when it is all rebuilt, that New Orleans will be either a really fly, model city with super fly ass stuff or the expense required to recreate the city for these people will constantly be questioned. Cause you know what? Niggas is going back to the NO. They are going to get fat ass FEMA checks-there are going to be numerous fraud allegations, incriminations, indictments. “She bought a Fendi bag with her FEMA card….”

How can you convict a person for doing what they think they should to save their life? How can you put a dollar value on someones’ life? How much for the drowned crack baby? For the 95 year old grandmother who died on her rooftop? For the little girl in the wheelchair who was unable to fight the rising water?


Niggas in Need(NiN) + DISASTER-(the law) * (-hope)=mass motherfucking chaos (squared) /FAITH


A sister on the television called it genocide and at first I disagreed but now I change my mind. This shit is so diabolical.

Update

I haven't seen Laila for more than two weeks. I probably could have seen her on Sunday, for the day, but it just didn't work out. I have to take Laila shopping, it's getting cold out here. I gotta send Aaron some stuff too.

new poems

Faith
1.
He flung his black body
out into space
hoping that someone
who had a vested interest in his survival
would catch him
2.
She picked up the phone, crying
hoping that hope and help
would answer.
And not for the first or last time
She told them
How she was afraid
and how he had hit her
And not for the first or last time
They begged her to leave
before she got kilt.

Black Superman
S is for Superman
Black Superman like
my daddy who say
"the Poor cannot afford to be sick"
and
"Boy if you had a brain you'd be dangerous"
But I am already dangerous
I am a Black Superman too.

Sing
Sing your soul angel songs
to the midnite Lords of sky and earth
Sea and Space
Their battle dance
sends shivers down my spine
here
I see only the costs of bloodshed and war
Where before I saw peace and prosperity
there have been many battles here

Writing my first book

I don't know if I wrote about it here before, but I am writing my first book. It's called 144. Short for 144 Poems and Essays for God, Love, Peace, Justice and Hip Hop. It's not even fair to say that I am writing a new book, I am really just editing it, pulling together stuff that I have written over the last 20 plus years.
My concept is to put together 144 of my favorite pieces with artwork from artists and photographers. I have some work from Tempt, Twist and some other local heroes. I have some photos that I've taken, alot of cool stuff to put in the book. I think it will be successful.

Some of the poems that are on this blog will be in the book: My enemy, She thug, I do not Love America. All of those will be included.
Peace to the Peaceful
-M

my daughter one year

Today is my daughter Lailas' one year birthday. This is the time when I reflect on how much life has changed for me in the past year. Laila, like Katrina pulled the covers off of a lot of stuff. She has made me look at my self as a man. I am a much better person than I ever have been. I have more energy, I am more focused and more honest. Her presence has made me really want to be a better person. It is taking a lot of effort, because I have been such an irresponsible asshole for so long, I have all these bad habits to break, but honestly I feel much better about who I am.

Anyway, Laila is a beautiful child. She recently began walking and she says a few words "Baba", "Dada", "Laila" and of course she has her own baby language. She talks to me a lot, she lets me know whenever she needs something. She has a great face, her expressions are not like anyone elses. I am really excited to hear her start talking using actual language that I can understand. Half of her family speaks Spanish, so I hope that she will retain Spanish a she gets older.
I want her to be a really strong, independent and cultured child. She is already really independent. She will climb around and really work to get what she wants. If she wants to get down from her bed, she will crawl over and hang down until she drops and then go do whatever it is that she feels like she needs to do. It's a great thing to watch this child develop. The hardest thing is not being in the same household with my children.
I know in this modern day, single parenthood is normal. We split custody, pay child support and generally move through life as part time parents. But we pt parents are missing out on a lot. We miss out on learning from our coparents. We miss out on the side that our child shows around the other parent. We miss out on countless small moments of learning and development with our children. I hate that-missing those small moments.
The best I can do is to keep moving forward, trying to be a good guy and maintaining consistent contact with my daughter and her mom.
I have both of my kids part time and it is not a situation that I advise. We are not supposed to visit our children until they leave our homes. We are supposed to go to sleep and wake up to our kids every day.


Next weekend, we are going to do some really fun stuff. I am totally in love with my baby girl.

Saul Williams

Yesterday, I went to the Power to the Peaceful festival in San Francisco. I hadn't been in SF for over a month and then to go when there were all those people around me high and drinking and stinking like BO and patchouli oil.....well it wasn't the ideal experience. But whatever I was walking around people watching most of the time anyway.
My buddy had backstage passes so that's where I was when I met Saul.
What a great experience. I shared some work with him and the other brothers that were there and it was only after Saul and this brother Selassie went, that I realized how monotonal and unexciting I sound. I need to find someone to help me step it up. If I want to move to the next level as a performer.
As a writer, he really is one of my models right now. In any case, Ima send him some writing and hope that he sends me some input back.
I am really encouraged about my writing, I am finding a lot of good material to edit and Im writing some new stuff too.
Is anyone reading this? Let me know.
Peace to the Peaceful

damn

I'm tired. I have come to the recent conclusion is that the best thing to do is to always walk in my own truth. I don't need to be anyone elses' Malcolm. I only need to be my own man, and it does not matter if anyone else likes me, agrees with me or thinks that I am okay. I am doing what I need to do and that's all I need to do.
Peace to the Hurricane victims.
-M

The Worst thing to be in America is poor

Ultimately it's about money here in the United States. It's not about where you live or who you vote for, it's just about how much money you have. The wealthy people do not suffer in the ways that those of us who don't have money do. Look at New Orleans, the face of Hurricane Katrina is that of a young black woman suffering with her family. The wealthy citizens of New Orleans (no matter the race) got the hell out. God Bless them. But who was thinking about all of those people who could not afford to leave, who had no cars, who had no relatives to go and stay with? Who thought about them? No one did.
Maybe the Mayor, maybe the Governor, the Congresspeople, local officials. Maybe they actually didn't know it was going to be this bad. But no matter, it is really bad and our response as a naton has been extremely slow. The level of compassion is so low, I can't even say I am ashamed or dissapointed, but I hate to show the rest of the world that this is how pathetic America really is.
We can rush to bomb some people. We can hurry up to destroy, but when it comes to saving the lives of Americas' most needy, we are slow to react. Quick to destroy, slow to build.
It is also absolutely a matter of race. White America has been feeling like it is carrying the burden of Black Americans for the past 20-25 years. The problems of Black Americas poverty are trotted out on a daily basis for all of the world to see. Welfare, Joblessness, crime, broken families, poor social skills, delinquent youth, etc. All of the world thinks that these are only black peoples' problems here in the US, but these are the problems of any people that have been systematically denied advancement. Look at any people anywhere who are subject to poverty and you will see similar symptoms. Black folks are not the only ones who live low, look at the poor white people on daytime television. They didn't learn how to act stupid from black folks, that's just how they know how to be.
I am listening to the radio and most of the people that they have on speak with that thick, southern accent, their dialect is real deep south. They are not your typical NPR guests. I know much of America is cringing at hearing their "yaknowahimeans" and "yalls" on tv and radio. I know that they don't even want to know that people still talk like that. I know that they're thinking couldn' t they have found someone better? But you know what? The truth is painful. These are the people who couldn't get out. The ignored folks who live in the bottoms. It is these people who need the help most. Not just now in the times of Hurricane relief, but for the next few generations. These are the people who need support to get good educations, to make healthy life choices, to lead peaceful productive lives. These people are the direct descendants of the enslaved Africans, the ones who never had education, who didn't leave the South during the Great Migration in the forties. They are Americas dirty secret and all the Hurricane did is wash away the covering so that the world could see them.

Life is hard sometimes

It just is, and that's a hard thing to accept. I have some issues, I know I do. I got all kinds of things to work out, but I am doing it. I've made a lot of progress love, but like I said, life is hard. I look around, I am working, I am writing, I am pushing myself to work even when I least feel like it, and I am not taking the crap that I used to take.
I am also being honest. I am not the man that I used to pretend to be. I need to take my ass to church.
I sent my son home today and I see so much of myself in him. It's true that we pass on to our kids what we don't work through. I see him struggling with things that I still struggle with in my adulthood. We are both absent minded, sensitive people. I see that he also has some esteem issues and that's something that I struggled with.
I don't know what the point of this post is, but I am just trying to get the stuff out of my head so I can process it.
He's a great kid though and I want the best for him. I am determined to do the best I can for him, which means pushing harder than I've pushed to this point. People want to say that it's not the money you give, but having money and not having to worry about things like healthcare or healthy food, or having enough space, all those things lend themselves to a high quality of life.
I want to give my kids the life they deserve, and I get really frustrated with myself because money is so short. I am accustomed to struggling, but this struggle is one that I am really tired of.
My faith is my strength. I will abide in that.
Peace

some new poems

Untitled 1

Hot bullets + your young lungs=the end of breathing

Too many young black men
Line up to hold and carry
Black burners
That hold hot bullets
Specially designed to pierce your young flesh
Non discrimination when and where they choose to enter, to meet your vital organs
They rush to remove the air from your lungs and replace it with blood
They want to push you closer to the ground


So now it’s you or the 15 year old with the hand grenade, who knows that he is going to die and is intent on taking you with him. He has concentrated his whole lifes meaning into an explosive power held in his right hand and he is intent on taking you with him.
It is not my fault!” You scream as he runs towards you, because you signed up to be here, “To be all that you could be” in this place 17thousand miles away from your front step and the car you bought with your “signing bonus” you don’t even get cheap gas, you won’t ever drive it again and if you die, who will pay it off? But it is your fault because you signed up for bullet proof vests, concrete bunkers, internet phone calls home and halfway armored wannabe HUMVEES.
And now, looking at this boy who has your death in his eyes, who has his death day written on his heart, and all you want to do is go home, fuck the mission, you want to live. You want to go to home, which is the very place that you signed up to escape from.
But niggas is dying all over the world and now it’s contest about where, how and who gets to kill you-the block or the battlefield. For most of us the block is the battlefield, so you choose your battles and die well.
-M 8/05

The color of power

What’s the color of power? Coz whiteboys walking around in my neighborhood don’t look too scary. Don’t look too dangerous, don’t look too tuff. And niggas in boardrooms often look constipated and emasculated-but I seem to remember that Frederick Douglass was a rider. I seem to recall that Nat Turner, Toussaint, Fanny Lou Hamer and Sojourner They was some real troopers, no they were commanders, they had real power.
They did not wait, for their freedom, for other people to tell them they were free. They stepped up to the plate and demanded theirs.

Untitled 2

We b cookie cutouts
Bboy
Black revolutionary
Tupac ologists
Ride for ours
Day and night
Night and Day
We West Coast East Coast Midwest Downsouth to overseas
Us be them that light the world on fire
We roll it up
Smoke it
Leave a trail behind us
Blaze one for all to follow
Believe that
Because we be that
Cookie cutter
Black revolutionaries
Give high fives to
Set fire to minds
And flesh if necessary
Remix-wait for the
Remix they brewin now in K to Eights
Worldwide
It’s going to be so fucking cold….
We be cookie cutter
Bboy revolutionaries

Dance furiously
Tear the roof off the motherfucker

Us light up the night with our bodies and voices
Dance so hard our sweat glisten and glow
We shinin-no diamonds needed
We bold, we strong, we cold
We leave our names on walls
Our stories fly through the air And our love is eternal.
-M

untitled 3

You have been black for 5110 days
I have been the same for 12 410 days
And together we have less 20, 000 of not being Negroes
Of not being deemed human here in our place of residence
Where we are supposed to believe in, sign up for “Homeland Security”

The Patriot Act does seem to be
Designed for others
And I worry about that.
But America the Beautiful
She better not move too fast
Because it’s a lot of us
Citizens/resident aliens
That still got internment camp dreams
And real strange forearm tattoos
America been busy bracing herself
For the invasion that already happened

But US got a hard on for fat culos
And brown nipples
Nappy hair and brown skin
Stay hot
-M


Untitled 4

Today Reagan died
And I am really waiting on them to
Half mast the President
Whole bunch of residents
Highly disaffected
Feel betrayed and rejected
Really disrespected
But Dubya
Couldn’t care less
Carefree nights and
Days
A real Texas Killing machine
“I remember” says the Alamo
to the young Mexican rifleman
You will bear arms once again
Mijo-fear not.
You will fight again.

What makes a man?

It is not age. There are a lot of old boys running around. On TV, we see these guys who got rich riding skateboards and playing video games. The lines between men and boys are increasingly becoming blurry. It is not money. There are plenty of poor people who are amazing men, who take care of their responsibilities and do what needs to be done. I think it has a lot to do with responsibility. Learning to be responsible, thoughtful about circumstances and to have initiative, these are some of the makings of a man, an adult.
I feel like I am WAY behind the curve. I need to cultivate better self discipline, and a better work ethic. I can't beat up on myself too much, but I know that I can be doing a lot more than I am doing now.
In any case, that's todays submission.

A change in perspective

is sometimes all you need to change your life. A wake up call to the rest of your life. Me, I've had to lose everything several times to know what is most important in life. What is most important to me is my relationship with God, my role in my family and my role in the community. Everything else outside of those areas is secondary, tertiary-don't mean much.

I am still changing, growing and becoming the man that I ultimately want to be. It's not easy, but the harder I am learning to work, the better I am becoming.

Lately, I have been increasing my technical abilities, upgrading my skills. I've been building my website, learning to edit video, and do stuff in Photoshop.

I'm lazy though, and the hard thing for me is to sustain my energy around work. I could blame it on my ADHD, but that sounds too much like scapegoating and excuse making.

On and on, I am just making my way in the world, and I hope to leave it better than it was when I got here.

Laila Nichole

I love my daughter. She is the most wonderful little girl I have ever seen. She is gorgeous. So much has happened around the birth of my daughter, but I know that whatever sacrifices I have to make, it will be worth it. She's amazing. She has a great 3 tooth smile, beautiful bright shining eyes and a super strong voice. She is kind of crawling, but I can barely put her down when she's anywhere near me.
Thank you God for Laila.

Here she is. Laila "Lima Bean" 

Philly

Goals

Im here, in my other hometown Philadelphia. It is my sons Bday/Easter/Parents Anniversary. My son is 11 today, its Easter Sunday and my dad and stepmom celebrate 27 years of marriage today. Hurray. There are several reasons for me to rejoice but I am fighting feeling like shit. I am not in the place where I want to be and I keep stumbling. I have to find a way to make the things I want happen. I have to get into graduate school and simultaneously increase my income this year by at least $15,000. I have to get another car, I have to find an apartment and I have to at least start to get out of debt.

That's the personal stuff.
My son is a good kid. I brought his buddy Marcelo, out here with me and they are having a really good time. I can tell that my son has been getting really spoiled by his mom because he acts really differently around me-she babies him. He acts like a baby around her, but I guess that's what moms do. I wouldn't know. My parenting situation has been less than ideal, both as a child and as a parent, but I do know what I have to do to continue to improve.I will not dwell on the negative. I recognize that I have some very significant challenges but that is all they are is challenges. Nothing can defer me from my purpose. Nothing.

Philly is a good place to be when you need a reality check. The environment here does not allow people to bullshit or be caught up in fantasy. This city is all about keeping it real. My family has been talking to me about some very real stuff, encouraging me, but also letting me know what is real and what is fantasy. I have always been an impressionable person and the things that I hear from people I really internalize. That is one the reasons my teachers would say "He doesn't listen". I may have not been able to articulate that about myself, but when you are unsure as to who has what intentions about you, it is best to listen to your own inner guidance rather than be influenced in the wrong direction. Positive reinforcement is something that I thrive from. It doesn't have to be praise, but just an acknowledgement of my direction is enough. I was really touched, a few weeks ago when one of the elders in my community, Baba Omowalle Satterwhite told me that I was doing a good job with my work in the community.

At the same time, I am self directed. As much as I listen to the opinions of others, I do not let others make decisions for me. I have always marched to tbe beat of my own oddly tuned drum. I am not a good follower, because I tend to see things differently than most people and my vision of the way things should be tends to be idealistic and non conformist. I make people uncomfortable because I will call things out and say what is on folks hearts, but they don't have the words to say. These, I know are positive traits that I am using to push myself forward. I don't worry as much about accolades, its a great affirmation that I am doing what I should, but when it gets hard and there is no one there to push me forward, it is my faith in God and the purpose which I was put here for that moves me forward.

I met Steve Jobs!

I met Steve Jobs yesterday, and I was a little dissapointed. I am absolutely sure that he has people coming up to him all the time totally gushing about how thankful they are for his contributions, but I have to tell you-It's rare for me. I gave him the kind of adulation I reserve for people like Grandmaster Flash. Okay when I met GMF, I was a little bit high and I actually cried-but he still didn't look at me crazy. Steve Jobs has changed the world. He wrote one of the 1st video games-Pong. He is responsible along with Wozniak for making computing more accessible. They actually wanted normal people to be able to use technology to better their lives, not just the geeks.
Steve Jobs, along with his crew at Pixar, revolutionized the way that we look at film and animation. He was the guy behind the Mac and that was another quantum leap for computing. He brought Apple back from the brink of obscurity and made it strong again. The guy has done a bunch of stuff that has directly impacted me as an individual, creatively and professionally and I really am grateful to him for purusing his vision in the world because it has made my life better. I wanted to tell him that, but I think I came off a little too strong and Stan like. It also doesn't help matters that I work for a competing company, but hey what can I say? If Apple was setting up learning labs for low income kids, I'd be the first person to sign up. But they haven't (yet) so I get in where I fit in and work with PCs. But in my heart, I will always be a Mac dude.
In any case, he was not in any hurry to get to know me any better.
No Worries, it's not that often you get to meet Living Legends.

Support Young Black Authors

A longtime associate of mine, Adisa Banjoko "The Bishop of Hip Hop" wrote a book "Lyrical Swords". I just ordered it and I expect it to be an excellent read. Adisa is one of the best young writers in any genre and unlike too many so called hip hop writers today, he is a lifelong bboy, someone who can say that they have actually taken part in and added to hip hop. Too many hip hop journalists today are just hacks. They suck. Here is the link to Adisas' blog.
http://www.lyricalswords.blogspot.com/

This is personal/Why?

I just re read some of my Blog posts and realized how personal some of this information is. Well what can I say? I have my struggles just like anyone else and I don't know what good it is to hide them. I am a human being, I've made mistakes, but I won't repeat them. I hope that people don't read this and think that I am trying to sound like someone that I am not. I am in a kind of recovery, in that I am rediscovering myself and spending time on intentional self development.
In a lot of ways I have been a bastard, and that is not the person that I want to be remembered for. I honestly don't think that I have done my lifes work yet. I have definitely begun it, I am on task now, but if I die today, my work will not be done.

Why?
A lot of times I look at the kids around me and I get angry because I don't understand what the hell happened. I do understand that the present condition of the black community is the result of generations of deterioration. I understand that drug addiction, economic sabotage, Jim Crow, slavery, etc. All these are reasons why our children are walking around celebrating their/our destruction. I know. But it hurts so bad. I don't understand why more people don't feel the way I do.
I am not mad at 50 Cent, Jadakiss, whatever gangster rapper people are listening to. I am not mad, I like to release just as much as anyone else. I like Jadakiss-a lot. What I don't like is that there is no balance, there are not enough people talking about other things to offer variety in the music and the culture. Too much of anything is a bad thing. One of the reasons that "conscious rap" became such a cliche is that everyone was doing it and many of the peopple rapping didn't even believe what they were saying, they were just doing it because that's what was hot. Gangster rap is the same way today.
All these brothers talking about this stuff, you know most of them are lying. You have to be a really cold, soulless human being to do half of the stuff they talk about, but it's cool these days. It has become cool to dance, make songs and films, create art that not only chronicles but celebrates our own destruction as a people.
What is going on people? Please lets wake up and stop this.


Peace
Malcolm "First Citizen of Nairobi, California" Hoover