What I learned today

Everyday I teach, I hold a "check in" session with my students. This is the time when we transition from the world outside of class to the practices of thinking and working on improving our skills. One of the questions we answer as a class is "what did you learn today?" the expectation is that everyday, my students will have gained something valuable from school or life. Anyway, today I have my first class and I finally learned something that my friends have been telling me for years. I learned that you don't always have to show your feelings. I wear my feelings on my sleeve, meaning that usually if I don't vocalize it, you can look on my face and tell how I'm feeling. Recently, I've been going through some really emotionally rigorous times. The way I used to cope with stuff like this would be to act out, talk to all my friends, cry, do a bunch of talking and stuff. All of the coping mechanisms I learned from my mom, when I would see her deal with her problems.
But none of that behavior has changed my circumstances. What I have learned to do is to think about what is going on and then act to solve the issue. It's a simple shift, nothing big outwardly. I just decided that being active about whatever my problems are ultimately is going to make me more successful and happy. It's a more inward looking, self based solution. I look to myself first whereas before I didn't. I am more self sufficient, and I guess independent. I don't like hearing from anyone that I am co dependent, or unstable, or anything like that.
I learned that even if something really hurts, sometimes it's best just to go through it, just feel the pain, instead of avoiding it. I have been the root cause of a lot of other peoples' pain, if I feel some of the pain that I have put others through, it is only right. Maybe then, I will learn some other valuable lessons.
It's easy to get to me, to make me feel bad about somethings, I make it easy because I put my vulnerabilities out there. I've learned that I have to be very selective about who I allow to be close.
All Power to The People and Peace to the Peaceful

What the Fuck is Happening with our Government?

I'm just asking questions. I need to do some research, but if I am mistaken, someone please correct me. I thought that the "intelligence" showed that there actually was no connection between Bin Laden and the Iraqis, that Al Qaeda was not operating in any significant way in Iraq. Every time someone blows up something it's Al Qaeda. So we are to believe that they had no significant presence in Iraq before the war, but that now they are primarily responsible for the insurrection in Iraq? gedthefuckouttahere....
Now, a tape has supposedly come out with Bin Ladens' voice on it offering a conditional truce with the US government. Does anyone else think that someone is making this shit up as they go along? So they caught Saddam and no one is talking about what he has been saying, about no weapons of mass destruction, no Bin Laden connection, blah blah, blah. Still no one can seem to find Osama. They can read a newspaper from outer space, we have technology that can read the heat signature of a weed plant in a field of corn, we can listen in on international cell phone conversations, we have a 30 million dollar bounty on his head and no world government is able to find this man?! Are you kidding me? No one is that smart. Either Bin Laden is still working for the United States or, well I think that he is still working for our government. I cannot accept any other possibility.
It is HIGH TIME that we, the regular people of the United States, take the power back. We are just being lazy, letting the rich run our country. Obviously, the government is not acting in the best interests of the citizens. I really feel like "They" just want to keep us all running scared, so we have this bogus "threat indicator", secret international prison camps, a war on terror that is really a war on ideology(?) and the sum total is the American people running around scared of the monsters that our government and corporate interests partnered to create.
Please think about things and don't just react to the Boogie man. Osama is the Boogie man, Al Zaqarwi is the Boogie man. I have heard it said that Al Zaqarwi doesn't even exist. The war is being explained to the American people in the simplest possible terms, like we are a bunch of stupid babies. Maybe some of us are, but you can't fight ideas with bullets. This is not a war we will win.
This is probably seditious speech according to the "Patriot Act" but I think the most Patriotic thing I could ever do is to demand that my government not only represent me, but that my government is actually accountable to me and my fellow Americans.
Whatever-Fuck Bush and all he stands for. He is not my leader.

fiction off the top of my head

It's late, later than I like to be awake but for some reason, I can't sleep. I close my eyes, concentrate on just the sound of my breath, the rise and fall of my chest and the beat of my heart. My eyes are closed, and my mind is quiet, but sleep will not come. My body is restless.

I'm out of bed now, on the floor doing pushups. 1, 30, 50, rest. Sit ups, 5, 35, 60. Rest. More pushups. 10, 30, 45, 52. More situps. 10, 20, 40 more, rest. 50 Triceps pushups. My body is more tired. What time is it now? 11:35.
In the hallway, I can hear my daughter stirring around in her bed. She sleeps wild, just like I used to, and like her brother does. This new apartment is the first time that I have been able to give her her own space. At two and a half, she still manages to sneak into my room most mornings.

The kitchen is warm, the beautiful O'Keefe and Merritt stove that I bought in Oakland keeps it that way. I still haven't painted this room, even though I bought the paint six weeks ago. Moving around in this place, it just now has started to feel like my home. In a few more months, my son will be here and for the first time, both of my children will live with me. I am a single dad, making it, just barely, but still making it.

11:45 my cell phone is ringing. The hardwood floors feel good under my feet. I grab the phone by the fourth ring. "Hey..is it too late?" I didn't check the caller ID but I knew who it was, even before I picked up the phone.
"No, never for you. What's up?"
"How is she? Asleep?"
"Knocked out. What's up with you?"
"I'm at the airport, United. Come and get me."
Dial tone

I'd moved to the Northwest in pursuit of a better standard of living. The Bay Area was just too expensive. I'd found a job here that I liked and been able to buy a house. It was nice, right in the city, not too far from work and school. My daughter was in an onsite Daycare, and I checked in on her several times a day. I had left behind in California, a lot of history, friends and a woman I loved. Now she was here, to see me, unexpected, uninvited but totally welcome.

On television

So I was on "Wife Swap" last night. Let me tell you what happened. The shows' producers called my job OICW a couple of months ago. They explained that they had a family who needed some college counseling for their son. My boss asked me if I would do it, I reluctantly said "yes". I have no problem being on television. I like being on TV, I just didn't know how I felt about being on a show as dumb as "Wife Swap" I think the whole idea of trading your wife is sexist and ridiculous. Funnier even, because mostly women watch it. In any case they came and the crew was great. My boss, Alan sat in his office and gave our Executive Director a blow by blow account via email. The lady who was "swapped" Angel, was hell on wheels. She was a conservative black lady from Texas. The family she got swapped into was a working class white family from Boulder Creek, Ca. Not a good mesh. I mean, I am sure it made for good TV, but on a human level, it was disastrous. The kid JP, was a great kid. He makes good grades and he had a strong personality. The mom Angel, tried to make the kid feel like he was some kind of loser. I really didn't like that. My only role, I thought was to support the kid and let him know that his interests were valid and that he could have a future doing what he liked.

Here are some links about the episode:

http://www.celebrityspider.com/news/january06/article010306.html
http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/archive/2006/January/08/style/stories/01style.htm
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=3796522
http://www.brenhambanner.com/articles/2005/12/24/news/news01.txt

Whatever. I think society would be better if we made more conscious decisions to invest in our youth, if we put the priority on our children, their health and well being, their futures, instead of our own selfish desires as adults. Who am I to talk? I went to Brazil last year and didn't even buy my kids Christmas presents. I am as guilty of having fucked up priorities as any policy maker.
Over and out

Who speaks for the youth?

I can not claim to speak in their voices, or with their passion for the causes which they adopt as their own. I can say that they are not being listened to, not being paid attention to and that they should be or we will reap the whirlwind of their dissatisfaction. It is their world that we are holding for them. I heard a woman say the other day, that she has an organization, 7 Generations. Her organization, http://www.7generations.org/About%20Us/aboutUs.html when they are making decisions, keeps in mind what the possible impacts are or could be of that decision 7 generations down the line. Are we taking that same care when we make decisions about our lives today? No. I'm not. That's asking me to think 200 years in the future. Who the hell knows where my family will be in 200 years? I should be thinking that way though. I'll make that shift and start telling other people. You do the same. We should be able to shift the consciousness of the whole society if we do this the right way. You know, like "Pay it Forward".

The Beautiful Young People

It is my job to love and take care of the youth in my community. I have been a teacher, a counselor, an after school program director. I have several years of solid experience dealing with not only East Palo Alto Youth, but young people from around this nation and the entire world. One of the most important lessons that I have learned is sincerity. I may not always have the best words, or the right words, but young people that I work with know that my heart is absolutley in the right place. That I am on their side, and that I love them. So many people reached out to me when I was a young man, if for no other reason than payback, I owe it to my kids to give them the chances and exposure that was given to me. I was going to write more, but I lost the moment.
I'll close by saying that we absolutely must believe in our youth, and make the social investments to prove to them that we care, because as it stands, I don't think that we show them that at all.
All Power to the People

the open hand and the closed fist

This is just my version of a Frederick Douglass quote: "Power concedes nothing without a Demand."

Basically, power gives up nothing without being made to do so. Anything that you get without struggle is worthless.
I know that the things that I value the most are the things that were painful for me to obtain. My children came to me through struggle. My relationships with my parents came through work and struggle. I fight the hardest for the things I want the most.
In the sixties, black folks had a lot of role models to look to. It was our age of Transformation. Like the Industrial and French Revolution at the same time. Black folks had a lot of room to decide what direction the community was going to take, instead of Black people deciding our own directions and priorities we let our lust for materialism and our desires to be "Fully American" push us as communities that were not neccesarily healthy for us. Now we are facing super high unemployment and incarceration and for the most part, our children have no sense of who they are. We want to assimilate into a society that has never wanted "us". What America wants from Black people is our labor and the money that our labor produces. It has no interest in our well being as a community or our cultural values as a people. Even worse, we as a people have very little idea what our cultural values are.
Anyway back to my original topic. On what basis do we have to demand anything from America? And what do we have to give? What is the worth of African Americans? Is it just our language, our music? What do we feel we have to give?
The classic example of the Open Hand and the Closed Fist would be Malcolm X and Dr. King.

Dr King came with a message of mutual love, tolerance and respect, appealing to the "Christian Conscience" of what he called our "Sick white brothers". He spoke in the highest terms about the founders of the United States and frequently quoted their writings in his addresses.

"A third source that we must look to for strong leadership is from the moderates of the white South. It is unfortunate that at this time the leadership of the white South stems from the close-minded reactionaries. These persons gain prominence and power by the dissemination of false ideas and by deliberately appealing to the deepest hate responses within the human mind. It is my firm belief that this close-minded, reactionary, recalcitrant group constitutes a numerical minority. There are in the white South more open-minded moderates than appears on the surface. These persons are silent today because of fear of social, political and economic reprisals. God grant that the white moderates of the South will rise up courageously, without fear, and take up the leadership in this tense period of transition. "
Dr. Martin Luther King
"Give Us the Ballot," Address Delivered at the Prayer Pilgrimage for Freedom17 May 1957, Washington, D.C.
He seemed to truly believe in his heart that America would experience a change of heart and welcome African Americans with open hearts once the ridiculous evil of racism was made plain. Dr King came with the Open Hand.


"The white man -- The white man is too intelligent to let someone else come and gain control of the economy of his community. But you will let anyone come in and take control of the economy of your community, control the housing, control the education, control the jobs, control the businesses, under the pre-text that you want to integrate. No, you outta your mind."
-Malcolm X
"Ballot or the Bullet"

Malcolm represented a much more pragmatic approach. He simply said that the human rights of African Americans had been and was still being denied and that this was no longer acceptable. He demanded that African Americans be treated as human beings based on the nothing other than our basic humanity. He was also quick to point out that other groups of Africanas around the globe had taken it upon themselves to demand equal rights and justice at the business end of a firearm. In his famous speech the He represented the Closed Fist.

Here we have struggled, but is this what our foremothers and forefathers were struggling for? Are we as a people, even headed in the right direction? Are we following the American Dream and if so, is that a dream that we want to follow? What are our priorities and values? What is it that makes us, as African Americans, these descendants of the enslaved-what is it about us that makes us different from any other group of people here in these United States. I feel we need to take a huge step back and really examine ourselves, check our priorities, decide on a direction and some credible leaders and and then move forward with some unity. Right now, our efforts are individualistic and selfish and we cannot hope to prosper or have any kind of self determination while that mentality prevails.

I know I have a lot of questions and few answers, but I feel that we really need to make some real changes.

Peace to the Peaceful

The Festival Of Mass Consumption

Christmas is a bullshit device used against people to make us consume. There is no such thing as Santa Claus. Christmas is a fraud.

All of these statements are true. It really upsets me that something as beautiful as Christmas (which is supposed to commemorate the birth and subsequent life of the Birth of Christ) into this thing that forces us to consume. I am all about living a good life and loving my family, but I will not participate in a thing that makes us a slave to the marketplace.

Having said that, it does feel good to give gifts and be around my family. I got to see an aunt yesterday, who I had not seen in years. She's seven grandchildren deep into it, and she still looks fabulous. That's my Aunt Cookie (Judith). Love ya Auntie.

Speaking of Aunts-
This is the Hoover familys' first Christmas without Mary Hoover. GOd Bless you Auntie. We are all thinking of you and ways to continue your work and honor your legacy.

The heart of a woman

Is a hard thing to keep. It's easy to get a woman to have sex. The much harder thing is to get a woman to trust you, to believe in you. Maybe it's just me, I've definitely been a filthy bastard to a lot of women and done things that I am ashamed of. I've cheated, lied to and stolen from women whom I "loved" and had some of those things done to me. What I have learned is that women are used to being mistreated because of the kind of behavior that I showed. It's almost expected. I learned to have low expectations for myself and I got too used to disappointing women. Now I am learning how not to disappoint anyone. Just to set realistic expectations and really push myself to do things that I think are hard or impossible. I find that I am really feeling a lot better about myself and my potential in life.
Sex
Is easy. It's one of the easiest things in the world. It's natural and we all want it. If a woman has an interest in you, thinks you are a nice guy, and she likes you, it's likely that she will have sex with you. At least once. She will at least think about it.

All you have to do usually:
1) Listen-Women are social and they find it sexy when a man can focus on them and make them the center of attention.
2)Smell good-Grooming is vital. Women are sensual and they really respond to men who stimulate their sense of smell. You can be big, small, whatever women like men who groom and smell good.
3)Be Honest-Just be real. You like this woman, and you want to see her naked and do a bunch of really nasty stuff with and to her.
4)Take your time-Don't rush her. Even if she knows you want some booty (and we all do) she doesn't want to feel like that's all she wants. If you are patient and consistent, it will happen.
5)Be discreet-Especially don't make her feel like you are going to tell everyone when it does happen.

When you do get some booty-Perform. Be the best. If you blow her mind, she'll be back.
This is the easy stuff. Being a good lover is not hard, being a good man is.
Peace to the Peaceful.
-M

All the lonely people

The net is a huge meeting place, for lonely ass people including me. I spend a lot of time on the Net, just looking at people wondering what kind of life they lead, reading their posts, participating in anonymous online discussions with people that I have no intention of ever meeting . Im on myspace, craigslist, listservs, etc. So much of it is driven by sex, it's sad. Not that I don't like seeing female flesh, but is that really how that person wants to be perceived?
i don't know where I was going with this, but...anyway. The bottom line is, if you don't want people to think you are a whore, don't present yourself as one.

Okay, I have to update more often. How about this?
An actor, famous for playing gangsters, flips out and starts really doing the shit that gangsters do in movies? Why hasn't anyone asked The Sons and Daughters of Italy to comment? Why is there no hullabaloo about the mob? Why no public conversation about art imitating life? Why?
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/12/11/officer.shot.ap/
Let Mekhi Phifer shoot a cop..the NAACP will have to open a new office just to deal with that shit. Lillo must not be too smart in real life. His agent must be a lazy ass person. How could you let your client be out robbing houses? Or did this kid really want to be a gangster? Acting wasn't enough for him? It's enough for 99% of all the gangster rappers. Who was he doing this for? He must have a bad dope habit. Dumb ass. Just some random thoughts.
Whatever.
Peace to the peaceful.

Death for the peacemaker

Tookie Williams died, and I hope that his soul is allowed to pass on to peace. I hope that he truly did find redemption, because our barbarous state stopped him from breathing. They stopped him from trying to change the world. I never knew him, never met him, no reason I ever would have, but I really hope that he is in the middle of a beautiful experience.
Our government apparently does not believe in redemption, does not believe in the sanctity of human life and is not at all interested in rehabilitation, but we all knew this. I did not know Tookie, and certainly there is a lot of information that we will never know, but if there were some doubts about his guilt or the circumstances surrounding the crimes of which he was convicted and killed for, his death should have been stayed.
I don't believe in the death penalty. I don't think that we should hide behind "the state" to get what we want. If someone takes a life and death is to be the sentence, then guilt should be ironclad sure, the death should be quick and one of the victims' families' should carry it out-on television. It shouldn't be this thing that we hide behind closed walls, if so many people support this barbaric thing, then we should really show how proud we are as a nation to be assassinating "the guilty."
Alternatively, we could suspend all of this killing and attack the root causes of murder. If we attacked joblessness, drug addiction and the mental health issues that plague our communities then I am sure the murder and incarceration rates would go down. Instead we put people in jail and murder them. I pray for the day when all Americans, all of us, will have to reckon what we profess to believe against what we allow to happen in our names.
Peace to Stanley's soul.
-M

on my path

I think I have always known that my life is meant for some specific purposes. I have always been told as much anyway. My parents, grandparens, mentors, all told me that I was special. So I knew, but I wasn't sure exactly what I had to do, so I wouldn't do anything for long. I would do something for a little while and then I would quit. Now that has changed. I have 2 kids, so the major purpose of my life is to ensure their success any way I can. Mostly that involves me making sure that I am stable and dependable. That's been hard for me, to be stable and dependable. I know I am a little bit crazy, I've been in plenty of therapy. Trust me, I know I have issues, but I'm much better than I was. Somehow, I didn't figure this out after the birth of my son. I tried, I went into the Navy in search of stability, but that was a bad decision for me. I hated it, and when I came out, for a while I was better, but it didn't stick. Now, what's different? I've made a bunch more decisions that impacted my life. I have another child, a daughter and I am 11 years richer in experience than I was the first time around. I have a bunch of dreams that I am working hard to materialize. I finally realized that I am the only one ('sept God) in charge of making my life what it should be.
Nobody is about to come over to my house and pay all my bills, write my stories, poems and essays and get out and promote me. No one is going to say "hey you are an amazing guy-here's a house for you and your kids to live in" nope, not going to happen.

My dad is a really wise dude and he passed on some great information to me.
The speech went something like this:
"Boy, when you graduate you got three choices. You can go get a job and get the hell out of my house. You can go to the military and get the hell out of my house, or you can go to college and get the hell out of my house. Either way, when you graduate, you are getting the hell out of my house." I graduated Central High School June 10th, 1988. On June 15th, 1988 I was at UC Santa Cruz. My dad was gracious enough to let me come back home when I needed to, but I did get the hell out of his house. Another thing he taught me is that "There is no such thing as 'fair'" so it's useless to complain about things not being fair.
The third bit of wisdom from my father that I have been thinking about is "Life is hard, get over it. Nobody owes you shit." That's a big one. Life is hard, and if we are we are waiting around for others to do things for us, we are hurting ourselves by denying our own ability to take care of ourselves. We set bad examples for people looking up to us, and we learn to walk around with our hands held out. We must be more like the Honorable Marcus Mosiah Garvey, and learn to do for ourselves.

Okay having said that, I will tell you that I do believe in Reparations. The Western built much of its' wealth on the backs of slave labor and Africans worldwide are still paying for that. No amount of money can pay back the damage thats' been done in the name of profit, but we Africans can purposefully use our money to build up a strong infrastructure in the African community. We need education, healthcare, mental health and addiction counseling, financial counseling and real wealth building enterprises. We have to decide what are the aspects of our communities are positive and what has to go. It is entirely up to us to reclaim our children and make sure that we have a future as a people. If we go looking to the government or anyone else to do these things, we will meet failure every single time. If we take a long view as to what success could look like, we stand a better chance of success.

Our communities did not arrive here in this sad state. All of this has happened over time, and it is only over time that we can become healthy. It is a process that is going to take several generations to remedy this situation , but if we start NOW, we will get a lot done.

To make all of this more personal, I have dedicated myself to getting out of debt, being honest in my life and truly working hard to stay motivated and to realize my dreams.

Peace and Love
M

My education

So, on Monday 12/5 I took my last final. I'm done. It's a wrap. It's been a long time. Seventeen years ago, I started my college education. I went almost all the way through, but I didn't finish my last quarter. I had some personal problems and I left without finishing. For years, I meant to go back, but I always put it off. I would just lie when I was asked if I had a degree, funny and lucky for me that no one evert checked . In some way, I felt like I would never finish. But this year a lot of things happened. I started acting like a real father to my kids, my Aunt Mary died, and I turned 35.
So I finally went up to the University to take care of business and get my degree. I have to say that it was difficult, being a 35 year old among much younger people.
anyway, blah blah....

Hurt feelings

Yup, I was really hurt last night when I made that entry. Not that many people gain access to my inner circle. When I do let people in the door, the understanding is that they will tread carefully.
I can take criticism, but there is something, but I have to feel like it is motivated by the other persons' desire to see me progress and grow, not just because they don't approve of what I am doing or how I live my life.
Last night, I was so angry, but it did push me to see that I have to protect myself more while I am doing all of these other new things with my education, my writing and my life.

No matter what, I refuse to be a fake person. I refuse to behave like someone or something that I am not.
I am far from perfect. Much closer to really fucked up, but I am better now than I was and I continue to improve and get better.

No matter what anyone says, no matter who turns their backs on me, I will move forward.

im out. Bitches.

i no longer really give a fuck

nobody reads this thing anyway, and I need to vent, so ima just get all this shit off my chest. I am a really sensitive person. I'm a man, but I swear I'm more sensitive than most women, what I mean is that my feelings get hurt real quick. I have thin skin. I admit it. It's a weakness and I hate it.

I was in love, I thought with someone. It didn't work out, but we decided to be friends...Bullshit. Now I'm hearing all kinds of bullshit from her about what kind of man I am and what kind of man I am not, and not for the first time I wish that I was more like my brother. I wish I could just not give a fuck. So not to be someone that I am not, but who I am, the side that I show to people, that isn't working anymore, because the world is walking all over me and I am tired of feeling this way. I'm not a soft dude. Actually, yes I have been a soft dude. I am a pushover, soft ass man and that is part of the reason I keep getting fucked over by women, because I have been too weak and just let them act any way they wanted.
That person died tonight. Nobody will see that motherfucker ever again, and if you think I am an asshole, now you fucking know why.

I am tired of being a nice person, being "emotionally open" and all this shit. Years of being a nice guy and not taking care of myself, of leaning on women and being codependent has led me to two kids, no money in the bank, bad credit and living at my uncles house.
I don't give a fuck. I'm writing this right now, to send a message to myself, I can no longer live the way I have been living, because it has not gotten me where I want to be.

So from now on, fuck it. It's me and my kids. The people who understand me and don't try to use my nature against me. Thank you and God Bless You. The people who understand me, perceive me as weak and then use that against me, God Help You. I will never ever give my trust, my friendship, my affection and definitely not my love to ANYONE ever again who hasn't first proven themselves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to be someone who deserves my friendship. I have been down on myself and lonely and feeling like shit for a long time and that is one of the reasons why I haven't made good decisions-always looking out for someone to love, instead of just loving and building me up.

I'm done with feeling like that. Even as I write this, I feel myself closing off, like I'm pulling up the drawbridge and new rampart walls are going up. I know, even writing this, that I have probably come off as needy (true) and weak (needy and low self esteem). But at least I know. This woman was so foul to me tonight, the shit that she said to me so fucked up, I'm really angry and I'll be honest with whoever is reading this, i'm hurt. Not crying hurt, but just completely confused and feeling like this whole love thing is bullshit. I want to be completely alone, because as well as I can fuck, as big as my dick is, as well as i can do all that pornstar shit, it doesn't mean anything, it is not protecting me from all this fucking loneliness. So what is going to protect me? I don't know, but I am pretty sure that I am going to just sit and be with me and relearn how to just be happy by my own self. But I am 35 and I want real companionship. I want to build a life with a woman I can trust, respect and love and she will trust, love and respect me. Women do not respect where I am now. I know all the reasons, and most of them I thought had to do with money, but they really go much deeper. It's me and the shit in me that I have not figured out. yet. I don't give a damn what any woman says. She wants a man with money. Money is important, and when you don't have any in this world, you are not a winner. You are that other thing. A loser. I am tired of being a loser. A person who no one has any real expectations of. I am tired of losing jobs, money, cars, women and friends. I have lost so many friends. I feel like shit.
You know when I feel okay? When I am with my kids, when I am high, and when I am in the ocean. My kids give me unconditional love, and I see the best of myself in them. When I smoke weed, I feel like I get to step outside myself, slow down and just think about things so I can figure shit out and plan my next steps. Also I feel happier, I can laugh, I have a big laugh, but I haven't really laughed sincerely and honestly in I don't know how long. When I am in the ocean, I feel like I am home. If I could breathe underwater, I would just go into the ocean and not look back. I am surrounded by the Ocean and I listen to it. She has a music that you can hear, beneath the whoosh of the waves and the shhh of the sand and rocks. The ocean sings to me.

yes I may just be a little depressed and a lot crazy. But I will get over it. I deserve to have a great life, one beyond all my dreams and ambitions. I deserve to be loved, but I must learn to give myself the love and respect that I want from others. Do I sound like a therapist? Good, because I am not going back to any of them. None of them have ever told me anything I didn't already know about myself anyway.
Fuck!!!!! Why does life have to be so damn hard? Why do I HAVE to go through this painful ass shit?!! Please God tell me that I am not going to feel like this all the time.
Maybe someone will read this and think "Damn that's a lot, that's too much." But you know what? I'm sick and I am trying my best to get well. This is one of the only things that I know I do well, is write, so let me write, try to figure myself out and heal my life and what you can do for me is just leave me the fuck alone.

Governor S. do you believe in Redemption?

I sent this to Arnold today.


A letter to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger,


This could be your Best Last Chance, but maybe no one has pointed it out to you because they do not think the way I do.


My dear Governor. You have a crisis of conscience in front of you. The people do not believe in you anymore. We see that you are simply like your best character, the Terminator, a cold blooded programmed killer that discovers his human self. You are telling the people sir, that you are not this person that you are entirely guided by your own will.


You have seen, the world has witnessed a civil miracle, a social force in the person of Mr Stanley “Tookie” Williams. Stanley Williams is a man who has struggled with the impulse to be his worst, to be non human. He has lived for years in a place where the best way to be is to be nonhuman, like your character. He has been recognized by the highest authorities that he has regained his humanity, that he has been redeemed. People that knew you in your former life, they have told you that he is a good man. Do you not believe in your friends? Would you personally kill a man like this in your movies? Wouldn’t that be so terribly unfair? Well sir, this is real life and you have the ability to save a real human life. You can do this or you can kill Stanley Williams.


For me, I do not understand. Yes I do, Yes I do. You do not know what to do. Let me talk to you about an alternate way of seeing things. I mentioned earlier that the people do not believe that you think for yourself and here is an opportunity to demonstrate otherwise. Now you can show everyone-that you are not programmed except by your own conscience that you are not just going to kill this man even though that he has been “okayed”. This is not a decision that you will regret.


If it has not been made clear to you then let me make it clear to you now. Black people will love you for this. We will, (because we love show, we love to welcome the redeemed) rally behind you. We will at least listen, you will have earned our ear. There will be millions of people listening who didn’t listen to you before. You will have shown us that you too are human. We are a very loyal people you know, and we love our heroes. Maybe you learned this when you made your movies and we little black boys lined up to pay and see you deal with the bad guys. I spent many a Saturday in your company, sir. You remain, despite whatever your politics are and real life actions have been, my very favorite all time Action Hero. You were a Hero to many of us-I never understood why you wanted to become a Politician. Yes I do, Yes I do.


In any case Sir, here is your chance to be about the business of serving the masses. The most of us, instead of the least of us. Even those of us who do not vote, those of us who are afraid, those of us who need the most help from those of you in power. You may be on the road to becoming “The Real Peoples’ Champ”.


I wonder Sir, where your true intentions are. The role of an elected official is to represent the people, not just those who elect them or those who who support the politicians. You are in office to be a Governor, a politician for all of us, not just for the wealthy, powerful and vocal. You have a chance to be a Governor for the most of us, not who has the most money.


I wish that I knew you well enough to have this conversation with you in person, or at least on the phone. I hope that these words reach you and that you consider carefully what you will do and say. I do not want a form letter reply or some Xeroxed and stamped BS letter. I want you to tell me as my elected official, why you make whatever decision you decide to make. I am no one, and certainly your decision is between you and your God, but I still want to know why. I am so happy to hear that you have granted a hearing, but this can’t be a political move, it has to be real and sincere.


I am praying for you and for all of our souls. I am praying for Tookie. I believe in the power of prayer and spirit. I hope Sir, for all of our sakes that you are a believer in these things too. I pray that these words reach your heart and that you choose life for Mr. Williams.


Thanks so much. God Bless you,




Malcolm Hoover
East Palo Alto, CA

The end of White Guilt-Towards a Luv based movement

Whatever. I was at a great party this weekend, in the Oakland home of my girl-Iz Fabulous. It was a bday party for one of her housemates, but it was like the New Bohemian Power Summit up in that piece.

I am always happy to be around young people and there were plenty of young beautiful people at this party. On the front porch there was a group of about one dozen Oakland youth posted on the steps talking about hip hop. They were super goofy, all that young twenties late teen exuberance bundled up and bursting through. They were rapping and dancing some, nowhere close to the beat from the music upstairs, but they were on their own vibe totally in their own cool little Oakland world, content to entertain each other with the stuff they just made up right there. They were mostly white kids and It's not that these kids were performing, they were having fun in a way that was completely natural to them. They were dancing and rapping, two things that white kids are not supposed to do well. And they were doing it well, to death as a matter of fact. They were not aping Hip Hop, those kids were Hip Hop.

It's not new. There are plenty of "white people" in hip hop, people who love it just as much as anyone else. Everyone has their reasons, but what it made me think about is the fact that this Hip Hop, this real Hip Hop is a love based movement. I am not talking about the Hip Hop that is a festival of homicide, genocide and suicide, sexism and homophobia. (though some of that music bumps too) I am talking about the Hip Hop that reaches into your heart and turns your experiences into something vibrant and real, that other people can share and take part in. Hip Hop can be a beautiful thing and at this party I saw that Hip Hop is alive and well in the hands of the Oakland Youth.

Nobody needs to come to those kids and tell them how racism is bullshit. They know, they naturally have multi racial friendships and an ability to look at race, class and gender in ways that most of us older folk have to go to college to learn. It is these kids that Dr. King was talking about when he spoke of "content of character" They take up Social Justice issues because they see what life can be like when we put our humanity before our skin color. I am not saying that race and privilege do not play a factor, but at least we acknowledge and interrogate their influences. If those kids had been mostly Black, Spanish speaking, Filipino or Polynesian youth I would have been impressed, but I was super impressed coz they were white. I know that's fucked up, but it's true.

I've spent a lot of time with these East Bay people. The Bay Area is already a special place, full of culture, education, natural beauty, history and innovation. I love it here in the Bay, especially Oakland, because it is a city of neighborhoods, people still try to get to know each other and the feel of the city is still down to earth and grounded.
Whatever, I don't know where I was going with that strain of thought, I had to get up and teach my class...I'm writing this hours after I started, but ironically, the same story is on the radio about the guy Tion Seck from Senegal on "All Things Considered" on NPR.

I started writing this installment with the intention of talking about White Guilt. White guilt is useless and self indulgent. It is not useful for building or sustaining any kind of lasting movement. We can't go very far if our rallying cry is "Blame Whitey!" Anyone who reads this blog or knows me, understands that I do not cut white America any slack at all, I really believe that the dismantling of white privilege is going to bring us closer together as human beings. Right now, white people are taught that they need to do what it takes to preserve white privilege, because keeping white people on top is what keeps all of society in such good shape. If we do not preserve and perpetuate the social and economic status of white people, all of us will suffer. yup. There have been, there are now and hopefully always will be white folks who buck against this. All of the white people that I have in my "inner circle of friends" are people like that.

Those of us who want Peace, Freedom, Equality and Justice, we want that for everyone. As a male, I believe in and fight for the liberation of women because I think the world will be better off if women are granted all the benefits and privileges that men receive. I know that we as a human race will develop by leaps and bounds if we stop praying at the altar of the "Great White God" The allegiance of a critical mass of white people is absolutely neccessary in this process, but if we as people of color just stopped treating white people like some kind of superhumans, if we stopped teaching our kids to be intimidated by them, stopped treating their women like they are the most beautiful, stopped looking to Europe for all the answers, if we just started to trust ourselves more, we will make a lot of progress in killing that mentality.

back to my thoughts about white guilt...
that shit is just not useful. Not in the long term. We cannot come together as people from making people feel like crap. The way to build a movement with white people is to find those white people who can genuinely appreciate and enjoy the humanity of all people and to use those people to educate other white people. White people need to tell other white people about their shit. People of color can call it out all day, we are probably preaching to the choir. Anyway, I just want life to be good for all people. I don't want to replace the power of white people with some black people just because "I want my turn", everyone deserves to have the best life that they can make for themselves and their community. White supremacy, sexism, classism, all those things are holding us all back from reaching our potential as human beings.

That's really enough of a ramble for today. Peace to the Peaceful.

Its been a long time

I shouldn't have left you....
You all know the rest.
Let me see, what do I want to share:
1. The world is expensive
2. The youth are amazing
3. Music will change the world
4. Life is what you make it
5. Honesty really is the best policy
6. It hurts but love hard anyway.

It hurts, but love hard anyway.
I was dating this woman for a while, a few months. She and I didn't work out, and I don't even really have anything to be mad about. It wasn't the right time, we are both busy, I have 2 kids...It was a lot and it hurts because we do really care for one another, but it is not going to be. This happened a while ago, but I ran into her on the street briefly and it just made me think. I may have done some things differently, but for the most part I acted the way that I thought I should have. Anyway, it didn't work, and it hurts but I love hard anyway. Be true to your heart.

Honesty
Just don't lie. You don't always have to tell the whole absolute ugly stinking truth, but you should not lie. Trust me, it's a bad habit that is really hard to break. I am used to lying a lot to get out of things, and it's just not a good policy. Better you tell the tuth now, and take waht happens then be found out later and have to deal with that. I would rather someone tell me the truth and hurt me in the short term, rather than lie to me and me find out later.

Expensive
Bills are kicking my ass. I know that bills are kicking a lot of peoples' asses so I won't sit here and complain. At least I have a job, that I am good at, I am grateful for and I enjoy, so i know that I can pay them all eventually, but right now, in the short term, it's a lot. I know too, that money just represents energy and when I find a way to better channel that energy the same way I channel my creative energy, more money will come.
I claim that right now.

Amazing Youth
I went to a show this weekend in Oakland. It was amazing. There was dancig, raaping and singing. I am happy to report that real hip hop is alive and well in Oakland, Ca . The youth have it well in hand. Big Ups to Mr. Know it All. They were at such a high level, I was totally in awe. Anyway keep your ears open for BUMP records. They are doing it movin....

Music will Change the World
Perhaps it is just me. Music alone cannot make people stop being greedy or feed the hungry or help the needy, but it can and does move the human spirit. Moving the spirit is the first step to changing society, so it is important that our music makers create music that is sincere (not neccesarily positive) and from the heart. I don't care if its corrido, rap, salsa, bhangra, or the blues-real music transcends all boundaries and touches all people.

Life is what you make it
This is hard for me to say to people who don't have the opportunities that I have been given, a good family, great education, good community support, etc. But having said that, I will also say this-I know what it is to be poor and to struggle. I have been poor and struggling and I am still broke right now. But I also know that as I lift my head and try to make the life I have for myself in my head real, somehow these opportunities to do more keep presenting themselves. I prayed a while ago that if God would just show me the way, just light up my path for me, I would walk it. I promised my maker that I would do my best to stay on target. I am trying that now, and it seems to be working.
Peace and Blessings lovedones.
-M

White People Should be Ashamed

This is just a repost of what I wrote on Craigslist last week.

I'm appalled. I mean I am really fucking angry. It's not a surprise to me, really the way *some* white people post here on CL. I mean this is a racist, classist world and the Bay Area, with all of our talk of enlightenment is no different. Those of you who know better should be up in arms against these assholes, because it makes all of you look bad.

It's just that today, for whatever reasons, it grates on me even more than usual. I like CL, I really do, and it bothers me to my core that this is not a place that we can have intelligent and civil discussions about race and class. I mean, damn. Anyone with half a brain can look at the facts and the way that whites act as a group and see that often, in acting in their own self interest, they ignore what is good for everyone else. So many people seem to think that we as a nation are beyond racism, that it's gone. It may not be legal or socially acceptable, but a deep hatred, fear and distrust for people of African descent is thriving in the hearts of "our sick white brothers" as Dr. King called you. I know this, I always have, but I continue to try to think that someday White America will wake up and do a better job of being human beings. But that is not my job. Dr King and many of his contemporaries really tried to appeal to you dumb motherfuckers, but you didn't listen, it just didn't make sense to you. It's not my job to try and convince you of my humanity, integrity or intelligence. I don't think that those among you who are racist are going to change. I also don't think as many people do, that a mass race war is going to help.

Killing only kills people, it is not going to change anything, a lot of people will die and the polemicists and radicals on either side will be justified in their hate. I am a Christian and my faith teaches me that killing is wrong period, but not everyone feels the way I do, and you know what? Today, reading the posts I understand. I really have to dig deep today, to not feed into your hate mongering jokes and posts.

I know something that you apparently do not. We did not get here like this. African people did not leave Africa as slaves. We did not come here over 216 years of importation and human breeding a broken people. African slavery and colonialism was a united and deliberate effort by the Catholic Church the European Monarchy and mercantile class of the nations of Europe to undermine, destabilize and depopulate Africa. It is no coincidence that the most corrupt African countries today are the same regions where most of the slaves were taken from. A great number of the monarchs, scholars and skilled laborers were brought to the west in chains, and then scattered across the Americas.This has been documented by Europeans, Africans, and Americans for a long time now. Africa is in such a terrible state because of 1)European greed 2)Lack of political sophistication and 3)The greed of the African leadership. It's absolutely frustrating that the leadership of the African continent cannot get their shit together enough to unite and throw off the yoke of European imperialism. This whole debt forgiveness thing is a sham. How can the world powers pretend that the Africans owe them anything? What about the Trillions in stolen capital that people who were enslaved represent? What about all of the African wealth stolen during the colonial years. Europeans still control most of the industrial capital in Africa! Europeans and Americans are directly responsible for the situations that created so much debt and destabilization in the first place!

The contemporary state of Black America is the fault of a multi generational campaign of government sponsored, assisted and condoned white supremacy and terrorism. From the slave importers, to the Ku Klux Klan, the Black Codes, the Jim Crow laws, to COINTELPRO. This is an undeniable truth and none of you revisionist history motherfucking assholes are going to successfully argue with me about that. I know for a fact that the cultures that we came to this country with were systematically destroyed. A people cannot sustain itself without their own culture. Hip Hop is not, should not be a sustaining culture of African people. It's cool, I love it, but it is no substitute for the majesty of having your own religion, language, social codes and history-the whole toolkit of a culture. I look at the various Asians, but especially the Chinese. No matter what they went through, they were able to maintain their beautiful culture, so they survived whatever was thrown at them. The indigenous people of the US and African people our cultures were destroyed by the white man in America. This too, is undeniable. I have no land to call my own. I have no language to call my own. I have no idea by what names and concepts my ancestors called our Gods. This is not because of the natural cycle of assimilation, but because of a concerted effort by White people to break the spirits of Africans in the enslavement process.

African Americans now for the most part have completely abandoned whatever vestiges of "Africaness" we had as a community. The traditions of extended family, service, collective responsibility, self improvement-all or most of that has been forgotten, rooted out, cast to the side, and yes those of us that remember are working hard to change that, and there is some hope, but it just makes it worse that there are so many ignorant white people that sit around and point the finger at a situation that was created to benefit them in the first place.

Only a broken people can suffer like we have and not struggle and strive for wholeness. This was done to us. White America has broken the spirit of Black America, but only Black America can repair itself. It kills me to see a grown man in the street, drunk at 11am, begging for money. It kills me to see so many of our young people pursuing self destruction at breakneck speed. I hate it, but I do not hate my people. There will be redemption, but we as Black people, have to work at it consciously and diligently. Our answers, our hope, our future is definitely not in the hands or hearts of white people. Our hope lies within ourselves, but we will not find it if we keep walking around with our hands out and our heads down. That effort only assists those who hate us.

I know that a lot of you are going to email me-go ahead do whatever, but I know that none of you racists are man enough to meet me and say to my face what you feel, none of you are willing to engage someone who is not afraid of you, not intimidated by you in conversation. I don't give a fuck about you and I am not afraid of you, I am singularly dedicated to the upliftment of my people.
And before you get started, my stepmother is white, and she is one of the best human beings I have ever known. She and my father have been married for almost thirty years. But even she has struggled with the ideas that her family raised her with. White supremacy is a disease, we all suffer from the effects of it, and we would all be better off without it. I will also say this. Poor white people, poor people in general-you are not the enemies of African people. Our enemy is mutual, but like the figurative devil that he is, he hides behind lies and tries to pit us against one another. The liberation of African people is the liberation of all people. I believe this with all my heart. This is what I fight for.
This IS rants and raves, I get to say whatever the hell I want.

Back to school and other musings

I recently returned to school after being out for 13 years. I participated in my graduation ceremony, but I never went back to take the 3 classes that I needed to graduate. There was just so much going on, I couldn’t focus to make it happen. I took some classes at Temple University, Lincoln University, I even did an internship at UC Berkeley. I joined the Navy (more classes) trained to be a weatherman, and had two kids.

So here I am, in 2005 taking my last class so I can finally graduate and get my BA. It’s really humbling, being around so many bright young people. I was never as “on it” as these kids are, so I am learning. I am learning from my classmates, my instructor and my section leader, who happens to be a guy close to my age.

Being a student is what I do best, it’s what I was trained to be from childhood. No wonder that I am a teacher now. In any case, all I want to do is go to graduate school, get out and get busy teaching. I say this a lot but let me write it here-I don’t like working in cubicles or offices, I’d much rather be somewhere hanging out with some young people doing something fun. I love young people and all I want to do is teach and write.

My Aunt Mary left behind a tremendous legacy. I hope to work in Urban and low income schools as she did, and also to work on the community schools model. Our schools need to be revolutionized. The ways that we teach our kids, the ways that we educate our whole communities has to be changed drastically. There are bits and pieces being done here and there, but for the most part our young people are still terribly underserved by the schools.

EDUCATION

Education should be a tool that serves the cause of personal and communal Liberation. What we have now, what passes for education in most of our schools is training, training that doesn’t do anything but perpetuate the conditions that our communities find themselves in. A true education is one that serves to increase the intellectual capacity of the educated. A real education transmits skills that empower young people to become independent and self sufficient. I tell my students that education is a two way process, that their job is to learn, and the teachers’ job is to teach. If they are not learning in school, the failure is the teachers and the students.

"I Am Because We Are"
-Afrikan Proverb

I write that on the board every day when I teach. I know my students look up to me, and so I try to teach by example. I want them to know that I am basically just an older version of them. I have gone through a lot of the same things they go through and came through on the other side ok. The other day I explained to my kids about the love that I have for them as my students. I have brilliant kids, but for whatever reasons, many of them are not making it in the schools here. It is not for lack of brainpower, all teachers have had some brilliant students who just don't make it. But the saddest thing is that these kids don't know how brilliant they are, they think that these grades mean something, that they really judge how smart the kids are. My young people desperately need to understand that they are beautiful, that they are brilliant, that they deserve all the best things in life. I am a grown man of 35. It has taken me my whole life to unlearn all the shit that I learned while I was trying to make it.
Somehow, I never learned to expect the best from myself, and I got used to being lax and lazy. I relied way too much on my natural intelligence and just getting over. That doesn't work for the long term. At some point, natural talent, or intelligence is not going to be enough, and hard work has to kick in.
That being said, I am teaching that to my students. We write, we talk, and they are learning to demand more of themselves.
I wanted to write here about a true friend, Child. Child is a music producer, DJ extraordinaire. I have a few friends who DJ professionally but I've been kicking it with him pretty tough for a couple of years now.
Anyway, I really respect the opinions of my friends. I went to his house last week to read some of the stuff that I've been writing. I expected to get an honest opinion, but I got something way more than that. He basically told me that I was not incredible, that my stuff was predictable and sounded like a whole lot of other stuff out there. It really threw me off, because all this time I've been thinking I am a pretty good writer. Apparently not. I am, but not incredibly so. Childs' advice to me was to write more like I talk, that would be better. He said that I am more compelling in person, that he would rather hear me talk about something that I am passionate about rather than read my poetry. Damn, right? No it was great!
So now, I am still going ahead with my book, fuck it, it's still my shit. I still think that what I write is relevant, but what I have to do more is to push myself to make my writing sound more like me when I am just sitting around with my folks.
My only aim is to communicate to have an impact with what I have to say.

Okay that's enough for now.
Peace to the Peaceful
-M

Mary Eleanor Rhodes Hoover

This summer, my family buried one of the greatest African women to grace this planet. My Aunt Mary. You can google her name and see all the stuff she did. She was a pioneer in literacy, a leader in the thinking about Black Linguistics (Ebonics), a revolutionary educator, an awesome mom, etc. She was deep. Look her up for yourself. I want to take some time and space to tell you who she was to me.
Auntie was my other mother. There are a few women who I can say mothered me (my mom Brendah, my Stepmother, Hope, my best friends moms) but no one was like my Aunt Mary. She was, beside my mom, my first teacher. She had me reading and writing at age two. It is probably because of her, that I am a writer today.

**CORRECTION**

My mom, Brendah taught me to read and write, not my aunt Mary. My mom is also an excellent writer and if talent is genetic then I got whatever talent I have with words from her. My memory is really faulty and sometimes I misremember things....Sorry Mom. You're an awesome mom. You always have been.


Okay that's enough of that.
My Aunt Mary.
It's been a while and so now I can write about it. My Aunt Mary passed away this summer, and I tell you she was a giant. She was one of those people who everyone knows, she was often called on to speak about Ebonics and/or literacy. Aunt Mary was a genius. You can google her and read about all that other stuff online somewhere else. I want to write about who she was to me. I read her obit at the funeral. It was really long, I like to talk and by the time I finished reading it, I was tired. She did a lot for a lot of people. Spent her whole life serving African people worldwide, but like I said, you can read all about that somewhere else. I want to tell you, who ever reads this, what she meant to me.
Aunt Mary always, always, always believed in me. She taught me to read and write at the age of two, thus kickstarting my lifelong love of learning. My cousins used to joke that my favorite word was "why?" and it was probably because "why?" leads to the best reading, the best conversations, the best of a lot of things starts with "why?" Mary taught me to always question, even if the person you were asking was an elder. It is all in the way you ask the question, not the question you ask.
She never judged me. Even when I was terrible, just screwing up and running around acting like an asshole, she had a way of letting me know that I was not acting in the best interests of myself, our family or our people, that was not disparaging. It wasn't that she wasn't the kind of person to call someone out. There's a lot of people out there who didn't like her precisely because she would call them on their shit. Preferrably in public. No for me, she knew that I would just get defensive and shut down. She was a fierce black nationalist, and she loved African people with a love shown by few people these days. Which leads me to the next thing-service.
Aunt Mary told me once "If you are not on this earth to serve Black people and you see the state that we are in, what are you here for?! If you are not serving to uplift your people, you are weighing us all down!"
This message was communicated so clearly at her homegoing/funeral. She did so much for us, I can only hope to pick up some of her work.