WTF? Meditations on 30+

I'm gaining weight. From the age of 17 to just recently, my weight went from a low of 135 to an all time high of 192. And that was just once, on a scale that was not mine. This morning, as I was getting dressed, I went through three pairs of pants before I found a comfortable pair. wtf is that? I know exactly what it is. That 30 plus. I don't look any different really, but I weigh 210. I weigh 210 at 6 foot even. And I have a bunch of grey hair. wow.
I guess I could be freaking out, but what makes me anxious (and not really) is that I have to get some new jeans. My shirts are getting a little tight too.
I am going to have to get back on my morning excercise regimen, because I have lost the definition I had. blah, blah, blah.
It's all part of growing older. I like the way I look, I don't feel heavy at all and so I am happy.

better

I just heard, via email that a friend of mine lost his older brother. damn. I'm an older brother and I don't like to think about what that would be like, to lose one of my siblings. I was thinking too, about how important relationships are. My friend that lost his brother, we've had some troubled waters, and the love is deep, but we really haven't spent any quality time in years. It's mostly my fault, a result of my refusal to be responsible. I think that he's forgiven me, but it's never been the same. I miss you Stefan. See you soon.

The general state of my life these days has made me less care free, more serious about the important things in my life, like my primary relationships (family and friends), finances, and my career. I don't know what God has planned for me, but all of a sudden I am looking at life very differently. I may not have all the time I thought I had to get this thing done.

I haven't been the best son, brother or friend that I could be. I have done some people really wrong in my life, but I am in no way an evil person. I want to do right, but I've made some bad decisions. I am not going to make any big pronouncements about huge life changes, because I've already made some important changes in the ways I live my life.

I pray for the time, resources and opportunities to make right what I have made wrong in the past.

I'm not a complete trainwreck, I don't hate myself, I'm not depressed or think that I am a bad person. I am a good person who made some very bad decisions. I have to live with the consequences of those decisions, the best way I can. I continue to be a frontline soldier for the health and success of our young people. I believe in them because people believed in my crazy little ass. I know that they are all we have and it is worth far more than we invest to make sure that they have what they need to succeed.

To the many people that have been hurt by my actions, irresponsibility, deceit, dishonesty, inaction, or just in general crazy ass behavior, I am truly sorry. I've driven a lot of people away by the way I've acted. I understand.

Peace to the Peaceful,
keep me in your prayers.

Dinner

Last night, I went to a fellowship Dinner with some local youth activists. It was a great meal and a great night. The folks are part of the younglife family.
I got to eat some great Tongan food, hang out with some people I knew, met some new folks, and enjoy a cool conversation.

I do it for the kids

I've just spent the last two weekends in the presence of some really brilliant people. Most of them were under the age of 20. You know how you just do some things and then when you finish, you realize that you've grown? Well that's what this past weekend and the weekend before last were like.
I won't even get into it here, it's too big for me to process just yet. But I will tell you this; I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life. This weekend was the proof. That is not to say that I don't have big improvements to make or that I have all my shit together.
But I will say this, I know that I am living my purpose.

Some Highlights:

Having my daughter there with me.
Two of the kids playing a totally impromptu tribute one on drums and the other on the piano to a departed elder Baba Sakisa Thompson.
At the end of camp, during their final proposals-having my kids proposal for 2.2 million dollars funded by the mock City Council. They had the smallest commission with only two people.

The possibility walks.
Reuniting with my friend Muriithi Alafia, after years and years of just talking on the phone.
I will revisit all this, I just need some time to get it all straight in my head.

God Bless the kids.

Manhood aint easy

just like pimpin ain't easy, neither is being a man, but being a boy is. You don't have to do shit, everyone understands when you don't quite make it. No one expects that boy to be able to come up with money for emergencies that are not his when he's broke. No one expects that boy to take on responsibilities for things and people that he did not create.
As a man though, I take on these challenges enthusiastically. I will not accept failure from myself. There are no excuses. I find myself a new person in the same skin.
I am much happier than I have been in a long time.

Life is not easy, but it is good.

Honor

Money.Power.Respect. That's the key to life.
Or so says Lil Kim. I disagree. At least those are not the keys to mine. Certainly they are important, but not the only or most important things. The problem is that too many people think that way. Where do honor, faith, love and loyalty fit in? I have been working with kids for a while now, long enough to feel like a seasoned veteran, but not long enough to feel like I know what's going on all the time. Who is teaching our kids to be honorable, faithful, loving and loyal? I have always believed in honor, and it is one of my core values. I've had some lapses, certainly, but I believe there is a lot to be said for living a life where money is not placed at the center of life.
To be honorable is to be trustworthy, a person who will "walk the talk." To be honorable is to be a person who will do the right thing, even when no one is looking or no one is there to congratulate you. I am very concerned that in this materialist, self centered, godless culture that we live in, that this value is not being transmitted to our kids.

I was going to write more, but really there's not much more to say.
Love,
M

2moro is not promised

Mpozi died. He was one of my childhood friends. We weren't super close, I emailed him recently, and he never emailed me back, I don't think he even remembered me. He lived down the street from my cousins. We were about the same age, but even we were little kids, Mpozi was beyond us. He was one of those kids who was just "good." never got in trouble, never started any mess. He was real sensitive too, I remember he had big ole glasses and when he got teased, he would just say something like "I need them to see" and look at the person like "why would you tease me about that?" Everyone liked Mpozi, and everyone seemed to know him. He was a good brother. Ima miss him alot, even though I haven't seen him or talked to him in years. I've been following his career and I tell you, he was a genius in everything he did.

His dad, I remember was really into being conscious. He has a brother named Paul Robeson. Mpozi was a brilliant photographer, and I mean brilliant. His photos captured a lot more than what he was aiming at or what came out on the paper. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
info
Live on in the stars Mpozi. Live on.

Church

I went to church again this Sunday. Two Sundays in a row. It's a nice church, Abundant Life Christian Fellowship. It's led by Pastor Paul, who studied under one of the very few pastors that I have ever trusted and loved in my life, Bishop Milton C. Grannum. It's a big church, too and very diverse, Asians, Blacks, White people, Latinos, Polynesians, everybody. The first Sunday I went, an Indian guy gave the sermon.
They even have cool childcare. Laila was tired and grumpy, so I took her out and walked around. We ended up at the childcare center, it was full of happy kids and Laila jumped right in. I didn't go back to the service, I just watched her play.
Church, for me is a place to be around other people who believe as I do, but it isn't a place that I go to find God or answers or anything, really other than community. My experiences with God and prayer are the foundations of my faith. It seems a little sacreligious but really I would believe in God, even if I hadn't ever read a Bible.
The church used to be where I went to find God and Answers, but I've found that He is always around and the answers more often than not, just need to be waited on. My problem is that I am short on patience.
I am learning, the hard way it seems, to be patient.

I saw Superman

it was dumb. That dude was playing Christopher Reeve playing Superman. I don't know about you all, but I didn't go to see someone channel Christopher Reeve, who I always thought was a corny Superman anyway. And the movie was poorly written.
I was dissapointed and I would've gone to get my money back, but I had free passes.


Like my crooked glasses?
I couldn't care less really. I am so much happier with myself than I was when I was in my 20's.


Life is good.
-M

I do not celebrate Fraud and the Lie

I do not love America.

I do not tear up at the sight of the red white and blue. Fireworks on the fourth of july, just remind of me of wars of aggression against foreign people. Independence day is a farce because my people were in no way free. On thanksgiving I say prayers for the blood of the indigenous slain and dispossessed.
The Pledge of Allegiance is like acid in my mouth. I will not speak lies about this country. I will not speak lies about this country. I will not believe this countries lies.
I cannot rationalize the Westward expansion or the growth of industrial capitalism, nor can I comprehend the human feelings behind rationalizing the slave trade. No amount of strangeness or animosity could make me think what happened to us was in any way okay. I think that if I were white and linked in any way to the oppression of indigenous or African people, I would not be able to live a quiet life.
Some people say “Well it is a whole lot better here than any other place.” I don’t bother to argue, but I do wonder how many of the people that say that have ever lived any other place. And what makes it better? Is it the cable television? Is it the shopping? Is it the “freedoms”? Or is it just the fact that if I can manage to secure a place in the Middle Class, that I can get enough stuff to insulate me from the things that make me feel uncomfortable? I can get a job that will take me from in front of the kids who grew up in tabloid television homes. I can move into a neighborhood where there are not as many homeless people. I can eat Japanese, or Chinese or Indian or Soul food, any time I want. I can consume a whole lot more than I can in other places. I can send my son to a school where I can be reasonably certain that he is going to get a basically sound education. Are these the things that make America “better?” I have heard a lot of people say that it is the diversity of the people here in the US, this is one of the things that makes America great. Most places where I go, there are still a majority of white people just outside the door of that place, so that to me doesn’t count. A little pocket here and there, a few belts of cosmopolitan behavior, which does not matter to me. None of these things make me feel in my heart that America is the best place for me.
What would make me love America is if I felt like America loved me. If America really valued me and people like me. If I felt like America wasn’t super eager to throw my sons' precious life in front of some bullets, if America showed me in some real substantive way that I was a valuable citizen. That what I said mattered, that the issues of my community were American issues, and then I would maybe begin to love America.
Instead America has never loved me, she has always, always, always treated me and others like me, as if we didn’t matter, like what we have to say is not that not that important. I am forever “special interest” America has loved my labor, my music, my food, my body, my blood, but she has never loved me. She has never loved me enough to say that she was sorry for hurting me, for abusing my children, for treating us, my special interest group, like we were beneath the regard of the rest of her “regular” citizens.No, America has never loved me, never respected me, never treated me well at all. She has always treated me like shit, has always turned a deaf ear to my pleas and when I did love her, she didn’t love me back.

ouch.angr brns. ppl r dumb

That's txgtmsg-the new language that kids are using...not just for cell phones. It's an interesting exploration of language, of writing. very few tenses, a lot of implied meaning. I am sure someone has done a study on it.
http://home.bluemarble.net/~langmin/miniatures/texting.htm
I was right someone has. txtng
"nothing's original"
-nasir jones

In any case.
I hurt myself tonight. I let my emotions, my imagination and my insecurities get the best of me. That happy trifecta of intense feelings took me to a place that I do not like to go. I had to leave my house and get some fresh air. It wasn't cool. I really felt like, for a cool minute that I was going to really get so angry that I started acting stupid. Then a friend of mine called me and gave me some insight into myself and the situation and I calmed down a lot. As soon as we hung up, in fact I felt a lot better. I have to just deal with reality, not with what I think I know or how my feelings make me think. Just the facts.
I wish I was a Klingon sometimes.
*I actually have been called a "Clingon" but for different reasons

God Life Love Work Family

What's new?
I still haven't gone to a church. I don't know why I am being so stubborn. I need to go. Sunday. I'll make it.
I have to move, because my uncle is renovating the house and renting it out. I'd love to stay, but I can't afford the entire house alone. Sucks, but I know a couple of the kids whose family is moving in and they're great kids. I met the mom on Sunday. Nice Lady, really sweet. I feel good about leaving the house and knowing that they are going to be in it.
Love-Complex.
Work-I started coming to work earlier, partially because I have to be out early. There is a guy working on our house and he comes EARLY in the am. But what I find is that I get a lot done.
Family-my daughter is growing really well. Her mom is a great mom, I'm just trying to be a good Dad. I am going to have to buy a plane ticket to PA so I can see my son.
I miss him and need to get a better handle on our situation before it is entirely too late.
Power to the Peaceful and God Bless ya.
-M

Dissonance

just real quick..I know that I have written here before about my mantra "I Am Because We Are", basically, the individuals state is directly related to the state of the community in which that individual is located, and vice versa. For example, I can not be healthy if my community is unhealthy. If my community is wealthy then I, too am wealthy.
I am involved in an effort by the community of East Palo Alto to reclaim our youth. One of the initiatives is to employ our young people, and to that end, we have found jobs for over one hundred youths this summer! It's an amazing thing, really. I have to tell you that I am a little scared. Most of these kids have never worked and have no real idea what it is to work.
OK...I started this over a week ago and never finished it. The project is going fine. Of course there are issues, but we haven't had any major blowouts and the kids for the most part are amazing.
God is good.

Ask

And you shall receive. I have been going through some drama. But you know what? I am managing to stay ahead of a lot of craziness and do well.
I feel a shift has happened inside. My focus is now where it should be-on making a life for my family, not just doing what I want to make me feel good.
It just so happened that a lot of the things I wanted to do that made me feel good were good things for me to do anyway. Many of the things I liked to do were not good for anyone.
It's part of growing up.

A while ago I had this idea to start a youth serving organization and just now, I am getting it off the ground. We are calling it "The East Palo Alto Unity Project" and I have managed to raise a little bit of money for it. I am ecstatic right now because someone decided that an idea that I had is worth investing their money in. I believe that this organization is going to positively impact the lives of everyone who gets involved.

The goal of the org is to build leadership from the grassroots right here in EPA. There are other organizations who do this, LTA, YCS, and they do a great job. I want to leverage the work they do, and add on.
Our program has three components
1 Bi Weekly Dinners
Twice a month, the EPAUnity Project community will meet for a sit down dinner. At these dinners participants will be engaged in discussion about topics that are relevant to them.
2 Community Service
Every month, the participants will work on either an ongoing community project or a small weekend project. All of the CS projects will be identified, planned and executed by the youth with support from adults.
3 Travel
In the Summer, my goal is to take the participants to Costa Rica for 6 weeks of cultural excahnge, Spanish Immersion Learning and to implement a community service project.

Love

If there is one thing that I learned from my father it's that there is no such thing as "fair". I know that we reap what we sow. I've done a lot of not to cool things to women in life, so I guess it's my turn to be on the receiving end of some sorrow.
I'm not going into too deeply, but my heart hurts. I'm trying to figure it out, but I don't have any answers.
I'm not really in any position to do anything for anyone, I know. I'm not even keeping my head above water, but having these feelings is hard. I don't think I've experienced anything like this since I was a teen. I am completely distracted and I want to be around her all the time.
That would be great if the feelings were mutual. Shit. I don't know.

Gunsmoke and other things

I'm listening to Project Groundations' "Nothing to Prove" right now and it is simply the best thing that I have heard in a very long time. It's all Roots music from the Virgin Islands. Pure Love from the Beginning to the End. Gunsmoke is the name of the track I was listening to when I started writing this. Go online and get it. www.ProjectGroundation.com

What else? I sent off my manuscript to be edited. I know that I am going to have to do a lot of work on it, so I'm waiting for it to come back.
Oh yeah, I love my daughters mother. She's amazing.

Power to the Peaceful
-M

Depth Perception

Maybe it's me or maybe it's really happening. It seems to me that the level of discussion around meaty topics, real things is deepening. It seems that for the last ten years or so, our (Americans) intellectual interrogation of the media, the government, authority in general has been very low. We get information and accept that information as fact with little or no questions, or if we do ask questions, they are superficial and meaningless.

We watch reality tv to find out what real life is like. Real life is what we experience, each of us as individuals have our own experiences that make up our lives. What is disturbing to me is that the television is in too many cases, the main socializer ouf the youth. I have this expression; "They learned to be Black from TV" I am, more and more meeting people who feel alienated from their own communities feeling like they don't fit in, because they are not like the people on television. Even worse than that would be the alienation of another because that person does not fit into what someone else thinks should be.

I have lived most of my life in Black communities. I have lived on both coasts and spent a lot of time in the South. I come from parents who were both born in and lived for significant amounts of time in the segregated South. My parents were activists. I was named after Malcolm X. I've been to Africa, and I am usually the darkest person in any room that I enter, no matter who else is there. I am about as Black as you can get, culturally and complexion wise, and I have had my identity questioned more times than I can count. I learned how to be Black from my family and our friends, not from TV or books or any second or third source.

What I know is that Black folks are the same whereever we are. We are the same not because we all watched the same thing on BET, but because we really do have a deep culture that permeates our social lives. We all know that the mother is the spiritual head of the Black family, that our God is at the center of that, we all have skin color issues, we trip off the grade of our hair, we cut consonants out of words, we love music, dancing, and storytelling. We do indeed have a common culture, but fewer and fewer people know what it is, because, I believe we adults are letting television raise our kids and not spending enough time on cultural transmission.

We are letting corporate America teach our own kids what their culture should be. We are truly in a battle for the minds and hearts of our kids and we are losing.

No doubt there is a lot of hard work to be done. It took a long time for us to get into the situation we find ourselves in now, but if more of us start doing the work that needs to be done, we will succeed. Success means that our children will not go hungry, we will eradicate that 70% high school dropout rate, we will have healthier families, incarceration rates will go down, domestic violence and drug addiction will go down.
okay, I have some more work to do....

Si se puede.
-M

me

The DeBow Men

L-R Malcolm, Rahsaan, Paris, Jason
My moms family name is DeBow. These are all my male first cousins on her side. I'm the oldest of 8 grandchildren. Between the 8 of us, I think we have something like 12 kids. Funny thing, My mom and her sisters each had one son and the one son had 5 girls. Crazy huh?

Anyway.

My Enemies, thoughts on May 1st and other things.

I am pretty sure that I have posted this before, but Ima repost it here today, because I watched a great documentary this afternoon. It's called "Loose Change" and it very intelligently and systematically examines the events of September 11th, 2001. You can watch it on Google video.

No one has to work very hard to convince me that there are people in the US who are conducting a war on the rest of us. As an African American and a student of history I know that there have been many times in US history when the government has done some terribly heinous things to the citizens to further it's own purposes.

I truly believe that 911 was an event orchestrated to make the American people accept a campaign of war against made up enemies, justify unprecedented defense spending and usher in a new era of American nationalism based on fear and prejudice. That is what has happened. The emphasis is being shifted now though from Arabs to Mexicans and other immigrants. We cannot allow this to happen.

Monday I was in San Jose, California for the "Day without Immigrants" and I saw tens of thousands of people unified to demand that the US treat them as human beings, not "illegals". The arguments are complex, they demand a lot of thought and consideration. The issues and the people wrapped up in the issues demand that we listen and consider more than we have, more than we have in our own little heads and sets of experiences. If we want a just solution to this problem, then we as a nation have to engage in intelligent dialogue and actively listen to one another, not throw sound bites at one another, yell and scream or rely on our often racist knee jerk reactions. Immigrants are human beings. We are treating them like plague carriers or drones. Their children will grow up and be Americans, just as we have. Who cares if they speak only one language? English is in no danger of dying out. If they have enough infrastructure in their communities that they never have to learn English and deal with English speakers, yet still lead productive happy lives, I say more power to them. It is not hurting me or mine. Nobody is going to suffer because some Mexicans don't want to learn English. Nobody is suffering because they may have had to learn some Spanish. Get over yourselves already.
Immigrants are not my enemy, my enemies are the ones who are making the decisions that are making this world unliveable for the future generations.


My Enemy
My enemy
My enemy does not pray to Allah
Or Jesus
Does not recognize the Holy Authority of the Prophet Moses
Or the Buddha
My enemy does not wear elekes for the Orishas,
Does not fear, love or respect Shiva.
My enemy prays to the small temporary gods
Money and Power
He marches into my home
Brandishing a rifle in one hand
And a bible in the other
(my God does not need to rely on scare tactics)
His forked tongue caresses my ear
With a hot sweet poison
That kills slowly but surely
My enemy is not the guise of fair skin
But those with greedy hearts who would trade my life for cash
Who ruthlessly murder our unborn possibilities
Who lustily slaughter potential
My enemy teaches you and yours
that you were born better
and forever
will be better than me and mine
For no real reason at all, no real reason at all
My enemy drops airplanes on America
With people like congressmen and senators
In them
and then calls it an accident
all in the name of power, patriotism
My enemies renamed greed
"compassionate conservatism"
And imperialism "democracy"
My enemies tell lies as truth
And truth as lies
Spin world crazy world spin
These lies they tell inject themselves into the bloodstream
Slow but sure poison
Hot, yet sweet in my ear
My enemy is preparing the world for
slaughter
Like the fatted calf,
And calling it pre emption
In the names of Safety and Democracy
My enemies are the enemies of
God
Truth
Righteousness
Justice
Love
Life
My enemy does not read poems like this.


It looks like I will have all the money I need to get my car out by this Friday. This whole thing has been a tremendous lesson. I knew I could get by without my car, but what I did not know is how much God smiles on me and allows me to learn these hard ass lessons. What did I learn? Take care of tickets and bills upfront. Paying on the backside is way too damn expensive.

Another unrelated comment. B-I love you alot. I really do. I hope that you have patience with me and that you see me for who I truly am. I love you unconditionally. You have given me some gifts that no one else could have, and I am grateful. You and the kids are my inspiration for being a better man. Thank you for your honesty and your friendship.
I know you read this from time to time and I hope that you will see this and know that I am talking about you.

Power to the Peaceful and those who would make this world a better place no matter what the cost.
M