WTF? Meditations on 30+

I'm gaining weight. From the age of 17 to just recently, my weight went from a low of 135 to an all time high of 192. And that was just once, on a scale that was not mine. This morning, as I was getting dressed, I went through three pairs of pants before I found a comfortable pair. wtf is that? I know exactly what it is. That 30 plus. I don't look any different really, but I weigh 210. I weigh 210 at 6 foot even. And I have a bunch of grey hair. wow.
I guess I could be freaking out, but what makes me anxious (and not really) is that I have to get some new jeans. My shirts are getting a little tight too.
I am going to have to get back on my morning excercise regimen, because I have lost the definition I had. blah, blah, blah.
It's all part of growing older. I like the way I look, I don't feel heavy at all and so I am happy.

better

I just heard, via email that a friend of mine lost his older brother. damn. I'm an older brother and I don't like to think about what that would be like, to lose one of my siblings. I was thinking too, about how important relationships are. My friend that lost his brother, we've had some troubled waters, and the love is deep, but we really haven't spent any quality time in years. It's mostly my fault, a result of my refusal to be responsible. I think that he's forgiven me, but it's never been the same. I miss you Stefan. See you soon.

The general state of my life these days has made me less care free, more serious about the important things in my life, like my primary relationships (family and friends), finances, and my career. I don't know what God has planned for me, but all of a sudden I am looking at life very differently. I may not have all the time I thought I had to get this thing done.

I haven't been the best son, brother or friend that I could be. I have done some people really wrong in my life, but I am in no way an evil person. I want to do right, but I've made some bad decisions. I am not going to make any big pronouncements about huge life changes, because I've already made some important changes in the ways I live my life.

I pray for the time, resources and opportunities to make right what I have made wrong in the past.

I'm not a complete trainwreck, I don't hate myself, I'm not depressed or think that I am a bad person. I am a good person who made some very bad decisions. I have to live with the consequences of those decisions, the best way I can. I continue to be a frontline soldier for the health and success of our young people. I believe in them because people believed in my crazy little ass. I know that they are all we have and it is worth far more than we invest to make sure that they have what they need to succeed.

To the many people that have been hurt by my actions, irresponsibility, deceit, dishonesty, inaction, or just in general crazy ass behavior, I am truly sorry. I've driven a lot of people away by the way I've acted. I understand.

Peace to the Peaceful,
keep me in your prayers.