Philly

Goals

Im here, in my other hometown Philadelphia. It is my sons Bday/Easter/Parents Anniversary. My son is 11 today, its Easter Sunday and my dad and stepmom celebrate 27 years of marriage today. Hurray. There are several reasons for me to rejoice but I am fighting feeling like shit. I am not in the place where I want to be and I keep stumbling. I have to find a way to make the things I want happen. I have to get into graduate school and simultaneously increase my income this year by at least $15,000. I have to get another car, I have to find an apartment and I have to at least start to get out of debt.

That's the personal stuff.
My son is a good kid. I brought his buddy Marcelo, out here with me and they are having a really good time. I can tell that my son has been getting really spoiled by his mom because he acts really differently around me-she babies him. He acts like a baby around her, but I guess that's what moms do. I wouldn't know. My parenting situation has been less than ideal, both as a child and as a parent, but I do know what I have to do to continue to improve.I will not dwell on the negative. I recognize that I have some very significant challenges but that is all they are is challenges. Nothing can defer me from my purpose. Nothing.

Philly is a good place to be when you need a reality check. The environment here does not allow people to bullshit or be caught up in fantasy. This city is all about keeping it real. My family has been talking to me about some very real stuff, encouraging me, but also letting me know what is real and what is fantasy. I have always been an impressionable person and the things that I hear from people I really internalize. That is one the reasons my teachers would say "He doesn't listen". I may have not been able to articulate that about myself, but when you are unsure as to who has what intentions about you, it is best to listen to your own inner guidance rather than be influenced in the wrong direction. Positive reinforcement is something that I thrive from. It doesn't have to be praise, but just an acknowledgement of my direction is enough. I was really touched, a few weeks ago when one of the elders in my community, Baba Omowalle Satterwhite told me that I was doing a good job with my work in the community.

At the same time, I am self directed. As much as I listen to the opinions of others, I do not let others make decisions for me. I have always marched to tbe beat of my own oddly tuned drum. I am not a good follower, because I tend to see things differently than most people and my vision of the way things should be tends to be idealistic and non conformist. I make people uncomfortable because I will call things out and say what is on folks hearts, but they don't have the words to say. These, I know are positive traits that I am using to push myself forward. I don't worry as much about accolades, its a great affirmation that I am doing what I should, but when it gets hard and there is no one there to push me forward, it is my faith in God and the purpose which I was put here for that moves me forward.