i no longer really give a fuck

nobody reads this thing anyway, and I need to vent, so ima just get all this shit off my chest. I am a really sensitive person. I'm a man, but I swear I'm more sensitive than most women, what I mean is that my feelings get hurt real quick. I have thin skin. I admit it. It's a weakness and I hate it.

I was in love, I thought with someone. It didn't work out, but we decided to be friends...Bullshit. Now I'm hearing all kinds of bullshit from her about what kind of man I am and what kind of man I am not, and not for the first time I wish that I was more like my brother. I wish I could just not give a fuck. So not to be someone that I am not, but who I am, the side that I show to people, that isn't working anymore, because the world is walking all over me and I am tired of feeling this way. I'm not a soft dude. Actually, yes I have been a soft dude. I am a pushover, soft ass man and that is part of the reason I keep getting fucked over by women, because I have been too weak and just let them act any way they wanted.
That person died tonight. Nobody will see that motherfucker ever again, and if you think I am an asshole, now you fucking know why.

I am tired of being a nice person, being "emotionally open" and all this shit. Years of being a nice guy and not taking care of myself, of leaning on women and being codependent has led me to two kids, no money in the bank, bad credit and living at my uncles house.
I don't give a fuck. I'm writing this right now, to send a message to myself, I can no longer live the way I have been living, because it has not gotten me where I want to be.

So from now on, fuck it. It's me and my kids. The people who understand me and don't try to use my nature against me. Thank you and God Bless You. The people who understand me, perceive me as weak and then use that against me, God Help You. I will never ever give my trust, my friendship, my affection and definitely not my love to ANYONE ever again who hasn't first proven themselves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to be someone who deserves my friendship. I have been down on myself and lonely and feeling like shit for a long time and that is one of the reasons why I haven't made good decisions-always looking out for someone to love, instead of just loving and building me up.

I'm done with feeling like that. Even as I write this, I feel myself closing off, like I'm pulling up the drawbridge and new rampart walls are going up. I know, even writing this, that I have probably come off as needy (true) and weak (needy and low self esteem). But at least I know. This woman was so foul to me tonight, the shit that she said to me so fucked up, I'm really angry and I'll be honest with whoever is reading this, i'm hurt. Not crying hurt, but just completely confused and feeling like this whole love thing is bullshit. I want to be completely alone, because as well as I can fuck, as big as my dick is, as well as i can do all that pornstar shit, it doesn't mean anything, it is not protecting me from all this fucking loneliness. So what is going to protect me? I don't know, but I am pretty sure that I am going to just sit and be with me and relearn how to just be happy by my own self. But I am 35 and I want real companionship. I want to build a life with a woman I can trust, respect and love and she will trust, love and respect me. Women do not respect where I am now. I know all the reasons, and most of them I thought had to do with money, but they really go much deeper. It's me and the shit in me that I have not figured out. yet. I don't give a damn what any woman says. She wants a man with money. Money is important, and when you don't have any in this world, you are not a winner. You are that other thing. A loser. I am tired of being a loser. A person who no one has any real expectations of. I am tired of losing jobs, money, cars, women and friends. I have lost so many friends. I feel like shit.
You know when I feel okay? When I am with my kids, when I am high, and when I am in the ocean. My kids give me unconditional love, and I see the best of myself in them. When I smoke weed, I feel like I get to step outside myself, slow down and just think about things so I can figure shit out and plan my next steps. Also I feel happier, I can laugh, I have a big laugh, but I haven't really laughed sincerely and honestly in I don't know how long. When I am in the ocean, I feel like I am home. If I could breathe underwater, I would just go into the ocean and not look back. I am surrounded by the Ocean and I listen to it. She has a music that you can hear, beneath the whoosh of the waves and the shhh of the sand and rocks. The ocean sings to me.

yes I may just be a little depressed and a lot crazy. But I will get over it. I deserve to have a great life, one beyond all my dreams and ambitions. I deserve to be loved, but I must learn to give myself the love and respect that I want from others. Do I sound like a therapist? Good, because I am not going back to any of them. None of them have ever told me anything I didn't already know about myself anyway.
Fuck!!!!! Why does life have to be so damn hard? Why do I HAVE to go through this painful ass shit?!! Please God tell me that I am not going to feel like this all the time.
Maybe someone will read this and think "Damn that's a lot, that's too much." But you know what? I'm sick and I am trying my best to get well. This is one of the only things that I know I do well, is write, so let me write, try to figure myself out and heal my life and what you can do for me is just leave me the fuck alone.